Finding a way out.

Just a warning, this is a total downer. Can't put on the "happy housewife" face today.

These days, most of my time is spent trying to find a way to avoid my anxiety. This blog was made to give me a creative outlet to deal with said anxiety. I hoped for it to put more meaning back into my life. Lately, nothing seems to help. Anxiety has completely destroyed me over the past three or four months. It's taken everything left that I loved about myself and turned it to shit. Excuse my language. I tried really hard to put on a happy face for a long time. But the truth is, I can't even enjoy being creative anymore.

When you say the word "anxiety", it sounds small. Like it's not that big of a deal, like everyone has it from time to time..how bad can it be? But for me, it feels like I am always on the edge of a complete mental breakdown, like I can't breathe, and it will never end. I'm constantly paralyzed in my head. It's a miracle if I can will myself to do the dishes, let alone sit on the ground and read books to my child. Don't even get me started on how guilty I feel about my mothering as of late.

I've had problems with anxiety for a couple of years, and I've always had episodes of depression, but I can honestly say it's never been this bad. I think there are a lot of factors that play into my anxiety, but the biggest one right now that causes me the most grief is that I do not feel safe and at peace in my own home. When you are a homebody like myself, that is a really unbearable feeling.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have no money for the amount of therapy I need, I can't take my Xanax during the day because it knocks me out, not to mention I would like to avoid becoming an addict. I've tried meditating, focusing on breathing, leaving the house...The only solution I can come up with is to move out while we wait to sell the house. I am leaving for Reno on Monday, and will probably be back before Easter, and after that I don't know. I really don't know.

Any suggestions?