When I woke up this morning I was welcomed into the day by Gemma who gave me a huge hug and said, "Daddy, it's a Mommy! Mommy's here!" Then she took my hand, led me to the couch and read me her train book. It was so nice to wake up to!
It took me a long time to really accept that I was a mother. I knew I was a mother, and I've spent almost every day with Gemma since she was born. But the realization that she really was mine, and the bond that follows took a little more time. I think I was scared to mess her up, so I did my best, but didn't let myself really fall in love the way a mother does. I don't think I'm alone on this. I've heard from a lot of mothers that this can take time.
Ever seen "The Business of Being Born?" It's a very informative movie about the importance of natural birth, emphasizing home births. While, I don't necessarily agree that home birth is right for everyone, (it certainly wouldn't have been right for me!) something one of the physicians said in his interview was very interesting to me. He claimed that women who had c-sections didn't have the same release of hormones that made them immediately feel that bond and love for their newborn. I had a c-section. After being 2 weeks overdue and nothing happening, we did an ultrasound and found out that Gemma was going to be between 9 1/2 lbs and 11 lbs and something oz. A c-section was a must. Anyways, sometimes I wonder if what that doctor said is really true and that's why it took me so long.
Nevertheless, I can definitely say today that I am a full on mama bear (no, not the Sarah Palin crazy kind.) Every time I look at that little lady I just think, my god, how did we do that? I'm trying to live in the moment these days, because I realize now that she won't be this tiny and adorable forever. As she gets older, some days she will hate me, think I'm trying to ruin her life, and even try to shut me out. And on those days, I will remember moments like this morning when she wrapped her chubby little arms around my neck and said with delight, "Mommy's here!!"
Hold on to those moments.
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