Sleigh Bells.

Oh, The Polar Express. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I totally bought into all things Santa Claus, and kind of still do. But I don't look forward to Christmas as much as I used to. I was thinking about that today...that usually at this time of year I would be planning parties, wrapping presents, watching Elf twice a day...Now it's more of an effort. It reminds me of the end of Polar Express when all of the adults stop hearing the sound of the bell. I want to hear the bell damnit! Give me the bell! I want to stay up happily planning out every single detail of my Christmas presents. I want to watch all of my Christmas movies, at least one a day, without being distracted. I want to look forward to seeing my baby girl light up on Christmas morning.

I don't want to become one of those adults who dreads Christmas, or who thinks it's corny and pointless. I feel like that's the direction I'm heading, but I don't know why. Maybe because so much has changed in the past year? I think I might have been more traumatized by the whole house thing than I even realized. It took a lot out of me that I have yet to replenish. It brought me to the lowest I've ever been. I feel like I'm still trying to fight back.

With my anxiety, I think that I always find something to be upset about. Something to narrow in on and freak out about. When we moved to this new apartment, it started to be about our future. So instead of being upset and dwelling on the past, I am now obsessed with and freaking out about the future. Probably because I just realized that I don't want to be stuck in this dark little apartment forever! The rent is so high here right now that I'm just dreading having to find a new place in June.

Anyways...I think that for me to enjoy Christmas, I need to start living in the moment again. Otherwise, I'm going to miss it all.