New Year.

The new year. I've never cared about it much. I just saw January 1st as another day. Until last year.

"Here is to 2012, the year I will simplify my life, live in the moment, and do what I love to do. With confidence. <3"

HAHAHA.

After completely failing at my first ever real resolution for 2012, I'm fairly hesitant to even make one for 2013. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. I'm pretty much horrified at how badly I surrendered to my anxiety this year. I let it control everything for an entire year. I didn't simplify, I didn't live in the moment, and rarely did I do what I love to do. It was rough. I was so focused on just surviving, that I didn't make any upward progress. I don't feel like I grew as much as I hoped I would. That sucks.

BUT. I did start a little side business a few months ago that I have so far made over $1000 in. It doesn't sound like a lot to the full time paying job type folk, but hey, people wanted to buy my art and that is $1000 I didn't have before! This is the one thing I am quite proud of this year. I only hope that I can become more successful in 2013.

Also, a little side effect of my anxiety is that I spent a lot of days towards the end of living in Hayward at my in-laws house. I needed help and support and they welcomed me with open arms every night that I felt like I couldn't take it one second longer. They didn't judge, and they so easily could have after all the hard work they put in to help us with that house. They could have written me off as the crazy lunatic keeping their son hostage, but they didn't. They all gave me another chance. I wasn't easy to get along with in the beginning. (I know right, you can't imagine!) I'm not sure they will ever understand how much their love and support has brought me through this year. We have a family dinner with them every week now and it's wonderful and I always look forward to it.

To start 2013, I'm going to try to set more specific goals for myself. I think that those broad, feel good, everything is going to be roses and rainbows, kind of resolutions are nonsense. Life happens and sometimes it fucking sucks. For me, 2012 was one of those years. It wasn't a complete waste. There were some good times. But in reality I think I set myself up for failure with such an all encompassing goal with the promise of complete happiness and self contentment. Those things take work, they don't happen because you will them to with a sentence in your new blog.

Here are my practical goals for 2013.

* To start seeing a therapist about my anxiety.
* To start caring more about my health.
* To try doing one thing a month that I normally wouldn't do because I don't think I can or I convince myself that it's too much of a hassle.
* To focus more on the relationships that are meaningful to me.
* To learn to meditate and make it a routine practice.
*To let go of or resolve at least one major source of negativity in my life.

We'll see how I do. Love to you all and Happy New Year.