Misophonia.

I am pretty positive that I have Misophonia. It is basically a really irrational negative reaction to certain noises. I have certain trigger noises, that when I hear them, either make me extremely depressed, anxious, or angry. I think I've had this for awhile. I remember being a teenager and HATING the sounds of people eating or kissing in movies. It would make me so irritable, but I never really said much because it would pass quickly. When I started living in apartments, the problem got a little worse. If I could hear other people's music, or loud people outside at night, I would get super irritated and couldn't focus on anything else for a few hours.

"Misophonia – literally the hatred of sound -can be defined as a hypersensitivity to background sounds or visual stimuli that are generally ignored by other people. More importantly than the individuals inability to block out the offending stimuli or “trigger” is the acute negative emotional response experienced as a direct result of being in contact with a trigger.

The response has been described as a reflexive emotional flood of rage and panic with a storm of fight-or-flight reactions becoming paramount. Adrenaline flooding, face flushing, heart-pounding and/or shaking and the need to physically flee or attack are often experienced. The mindful thoughts that the emotional reflex/response is unreasonable given the facts of the stimulus is often actually harmless come only after the fight-or-flight response is in full force and the affected person may find themselves in a constant mode of “talking themselves down” into a normal state of calm." misophonia.info

Misophonia took on a whole new form when I moved to my house in Hayward. We all know what happened there. It was probably amplified by my feelings of loneliness.  As I said in my last post, I think that I was more traumatized than I even realized at the time. I would hear those sounds and my whole day would be ruined. I spent everyday being scared and anxious about having to hear those sounds again, but at the same time I would listen for them. It was really strange and kind of self-torture.

When we moved to this apartment and I found out about the year long construction project we would have to endure, I was a little worried, but thought I could deal. Oddly enough, I was totally fine about the actual construction noises. I started to get upset when the painters were all listening to radios and yelling at each other outside. It was how inconsiderate I perceived them to be that really sent me into a frenzy. So even though the construction has mostly passed, I still find myself listening for those noises just in case they are going to make me upset.

It's really the most ridiculous thing. But at least I have something to name it now. There is no real "cure." Some say that medication can help. I'm already taking that. Hypnosis has had some success..I may have to give that a try.

Anyways, my point in writing this was to say out loud that this is a problem for me. I'm not just crazy, or a total control freak about my surroundings. I actually have this weird type of anxiety. I don't know why or how it happened, but it is a thing. A thing that needs to go away :(