Am I there yet?

I'm learning a very hard lesson about growing up right now. It's a lesson that was a long time coming and frankly, long overdue. I'm learning what it means to be an adult.

Specifically, I'm learning that I need to live my life the way I think is best and not constantly be in anxious ruins about what others will think of my decisions. It's no way to live, let me tell you.

I have a complex where I always worry that people are going to walk out on me. Like they will stop thinking that I am worth the trouble. I dwell so much on these feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. I think, well maybe if I just do this one thing, this person will appreciate it or so and so will think better of me.

Instead of just being myself, I try so hard to be someone each person will like that I become completely overbaring and flat out annoying to some people. I'm feeling this way right now with my dad. I depend on him way too much for everything and I know it wears on him. To his credit, he hasn't turned away from me yet, and when I'm being rational, I know he never will. But when I get sad and insecure, that's the first awful scene I play in my head because it's the worst thing I could ever let myself imagine.

I'm starting to learn that this need for approval from others is childish. I'm not a little kid anymore and I don't need a gold star for everything I do. But I also shouldn't constantly second guess myself. Of course it is a decent thing to do to consider other's feelings in the day to day, but in the end, you have to do what's right for you. I can't always be worried about someone else being angry, irritated, thinking badly of me, etc. Those are things that I simply can't control.

The sad thing is, for me it isn't even about making everyone happy, it's about making sure I always look like the righteous one in every situation. Done with that nonsense. If you don't like my choices and they don't concern you, keep it to yourself or be ready for me to not give a fuck what you think. If people are really going to judge me so harshly and concern themselves so much with what I do in my own life, I'll figure out soon enough who to keep around and who to not. I just hope and pray to whatever entity that be that none of the people I really care about will end up on the "not" list.

Btw, this is in no way directed at a specific person.