Still in that weird place.

The good news is that my unbearable anxiety has subsided for the most part. The bad news is that I'm starting to feel kind of homeless. I've been here with my grandparents for almost 4 weeks, way longer than I had originally planned on staying. It's been really great, despite the weight gain (must start working on that tomorrow!) I love my grandparents. I'm like their 6th child, so when I stay with them I kind of get in this "take care of me" mindset. I think 3 weeks is long enough for that. My grandma has probably had enough, too. Haha.   I know she is having a blast with Gemma though. Everyone seems to enjoy Gemma's company, including my Uncle Brendan who she commands to make her bacon every morning for breakfast. Although, my uncle might tell you that he doesn't enjoy tripping over Thomas the train 20 times a day.

Back to being homeless. I've never identified our house as my 'home' but that is where Brian and my cats are :) The problem, of course, is that I effing hate it there, so it isn't really a home. I probably feel more at home staying with my grandparents more than I would anywhere else. I have my own room which helps. But the fact is that I'm still living out of suitcases..which gets old REALLY fast. Clothes everywhere. Also, I don't have friends here, except for my new friend who lives across the street. And believe me, I am thankful to have another new mom to hang out with a few times a week, but she starts work again next week. I miss my friends back home. I miss my mom friends, and I'm sure that Gemma misses her little 2 year old partners in crime. Most of all, I miss Brian. I miss having someone to cuddle with when I've had a long day. I miss having someone else help with meals and bedtimes for Gemma. And Gemma isn't getting enough time with her Dad which is rough for all of us.

Despite all of these things, I know I made the right decision coming here. No matter how exhausted I am from getting 5 hours of sleep every night and taking care of Gemma by myself 24/7, nothing is as bad as that terrible anxiety. Now that I at least know where I will be for the next three weeks, it's time to get out of "take care of me" mode and to get into "start taking care of myself mode." That's why I came here. To get better. So I need to start doing it.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes.

jill