New Year.

The new year. I've never cared about it much. I just saw January 1st as another day. Until last year.

"Here is to 2012, the year I will simplify my life, live in the moment, and do what I love to do. With confidence. <3"

HAHAHA.

After completely failing at my first ever real resolution for 2012, I'm fairly hesitant to even make one for 2013. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. I'm pretty much horrified at how badly I surrendered to my anxiety this year. I let it control everything for an entire year. I didn't simplify, I didn't live in the moment, and rarely did I do what I love to do. It was rough. I was so focused on just surviving, that I didn't make any upward progress. I don't feel like I grew as much as I hoped I would. That sucks.

BUT. I did start a little side business a few months ago that I have so far made over $1000 in. It doesn't sound like a lot to the full time paying job type folk, but hey, people wanted to buy my art and that is $1000 I didn't have before! This is the one thing I am quite proud of this year. I only hope that I can become more successful in 2013.

Also, a little side effect of my anxiety is that I spent a lot of days towards the end of living in Hayward at my in-laws house. I needed help and support and they welcomed me with open arms every night that I felt like I couldn't take it one second longer. They didn't judge, and they so easily could have after all the hard work they put in to help us with that house. They could have written me off as the crazy lunatic keeping their son hostage, but they didn't. They all gave me another chance. I wasn't easy to get along with in the beginning. (I know right, you can't imagine!) I'm not sure they will ever understand how much their love and support has brought me through this year. We have a family dinner with them every week now and it's wonderful and I always look forward to it.

To start 2013, I'm going to try to set more specific goals for myself. I think that those broad, feel good, everything is going to be roses and rainbows, kind of resolutions are nonsense. Life happens and sometimes it fucking sucks. For me, 2012 was one of those years. It wasn't a complete waste. There were some good times. But in reality I think I set myself up for failure with such an all encompassing goal with the promise of complete happiness and self contentment. Those things take work, they don't happen because you will them to with a sentence in your new blog.

Here are my practical goals for 2013.

* To start seeing a therapist about my anxiety.
* To start caring more about my health.
* To try doing one thing a month that I normally wouldn't do because I don't think I can or I convince myself that it's too much of a hassle.
* To focus more on the relationships that are meaningful to me.
* To learn to meditate and make it a routine practice.
*To let go of or resolve at least one major source of negativity in my life.

We'll see how I do. Love to you all and Happy New Year.

Sisters.

Pretty much everyone I know has siblings. I only know a few only children. I watch my husband with his siblings and his relationships with them are so effortless and wonderful. He's always been a great big brother and I often hear stories about all of the wonderful things he did for his siblings when they were young, like putting on pretend circuses in the living room.

I feel like an only child sometimes because I'm so much older than my sisters. I have two. They are beautiful, amazing, confident, talented little individuals. One is 17 and about to finish high school, and one is 14 and just started.

The 17 year old is my mother's second child and I sadly missed out on much of her life. I feel tremendous guilt for that, and even more because now that I have a chance to really be in her life, I don't know how. I have honestly forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. I am so horrible at relating to her and finding things to talk about.

The same sort of goes for the 14 year old. I've known her since the day she was born and I still have a hard time figuring out how to relate. All I can think to say to both of them most of the time is, "I miss you" because it's true. It's so true. I wish I could see both of their beautiful faces every single day. I wish I could go to every sports event, be there to help get ready for every dance, be a shoulder to cry on when boys are inevitably assholes.

But I can't. Because I'm married with a child now. And they both live so far away. It sucks. At the very least, I wish I had given them something to look up to. I feel like there is nothing. Sure I graduated college. Awesome. So did everyone else. I also got married at 21, had a kid at 23, and that's about all I've got going on. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love being a mom/wife. But I don't think it's enough to give my teenage sisters this impression that I'm someone awesome that has achieved something. Not to mention that I'm completely mental, something that the 14 year old knows all too well. So what is left?

I hope that they both understand how much they mean to me. How I think of them every single day, How I love them so unconditionally and think that they are perfect. I hope that someday we can be more on the same page. Maybe when they are married with kids, or at least are living on their own with jobs, responsibilities. I hope we can be closer and that maybe at some point, I can be someone they look up to.

I love you both, and I miss you terribly. ;)
Sissy.

Misophonia.

I am pretty positive that I have Misophonia. It is basically a really irrational negative reaction to certain noises. I have certain trigger noises, that when I hear them, either make me extremely depressed, anxious, or angry. I think I've had this for awhile. I remember being a teenager and HATING the sounds of people eating or kissing in movies. It would make me so irritable, but I never really said much because it would pass quickly. When I started living in apartments, the problem got a little worse. If I could hear other people's music, or loud people outside at night, I would get super irritated and couldn't focus on anything else for a few hours.

"Misophonia – literally the hatred of sound -can be defined as a hypersensitivity to background sounds or visual stimuli that are generally ignored by other people. More importantly than the individuals inability to block out the offending stimuli or “trigger” is the acute negative emotional response experienced as a direct result of being in contact with a trigger.

The response has been described as a reflexive emotional flood of rage and panic with a storm of fight-or-flight reactions becoming paramount. Adrenaline flooding, face flushing, heart-pounding and/or shaking and the need to physically flee or attack are often experienced. The mindful thoughts that the emotional reflex/response is unreasonable given the facts of the stimulus is often actually harmless come only after the fight-or-flight response is in full force and the affected person may find themselves in a constant mode of “talking themselves down” into a normal state of calm." misophonia.info

Misophonia took on a whole new form when I moved to my house in Hayward. We all know what happened there. It was probably amplified by my feelings of loneliness.  As I said in my last post, I think that I was more traumatized than I even realized at the time. I would hear those sounds and my whole day would be ruined. I spent everyday being scared and anxious about having to hear those sounds again, but at the same time I would listen for them. It was really strange and kind of self-torture.

When we moved to this apartment and I found out about the year long construction project we would have to endure, I was a little worried, but thought I could deal. Oddly enough, I was totally fine about the actual construction noises. I started to get upset when the painters were all listening to radios and yelling at each other outside. It was how inconsiderate I perceived them to be that really sent me into a frenzy. So even though the construction has mostly passed, I still find myself listening for those noises just in case they are going to make me upset.

It's really the most ridiculous thing. But at least I have something to name it now. There is no real "cure." Some say that medication can help. I'm already taking that. Hypnosis has had some success..I may have to give that a try.

Anyways, my point in writing this was to say out loud that this is a problem for me. I'm not just crazy, or a total control freak about my surroundings. I actually have this weird type of anxiety. I don't know why or how it happened, but it is a thing. A thing that needs to go away :(

Sleigh Bells.

Oh, The Polar Express. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I totally bought into all things Santa Claus, and kind of still do. But I don't look forward to Christmas as much as I used to. I was thinking about that today...that usually at this time of year I would be planning parties, wrapping presents, watching Elf twice a day...Now it's more of an effort. It reminds me of the end of Polar Express when all of the adults stop hearing the sound of the bell. I want to hear the bell damnit! Give me the bell! I want to stay up happily planning out every single detail of my Christmas presents. I want to watch all of my Christmas movies, at least one a day, without being distracted. I want to look forward to seeing my baby girl light up on Christmas morning.

I don't want to become one of those adults who dreads Christmas, or who thinks it's corny and pointless. I feel like that's the direction I'm heading, but I don't know why. Maybe because so much has changed in the past year? I think I might have been more traumatized by the whole house thing than I even realized. It took a lot out of me that I have yet to replenish. It brought me to the lowest I've ever been. I feel like I'm still trying to fight back.

With my anxiety, I think that I always find something to be upset about. Something to narrow in on and freak out about. When we moved to this new apartment, it started to be about our future. So instead of being upset and dwelling on the past, I am now obsessed with and freaking out about the future. Probably because I just realized that I don't want to be stuck in this dark little apartment forever! The rent is so high here right now that I'm just dreading having to find a new place in June.

Anyways...I think that for me to enjoy Christmas, I need to start living in the moment again. Otherwise, I'm going to miss it all.

Homemade Advent Calendar :)

I am so proud of this project! When I was younger, my stepmom did really cute advent calendars for my sister and I, so I was inspired to make one for Gemma this year. Each day has either a piece of candy, or a Christmas related activity like "Visit Santa." I'm so excited for Gemma to count down the days with this! I think she's gonna love it!

Am I there yet?

I'm learning a very hard lesson about growing up right now. It's a lesson that was a long time coming and frankly, long overdue. I'm learning what it means to be an adult.

Specifically, I'm learning that I need to live my life the way I think is best and not constantly be in anxious ruins about what others will think of my decisions. It's no way to live, let me tell you.

I have a complex where I always worry that people are going to walk out on me. Like they will stop thinking that I am worth the trouble. I dwell so much on these feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. I think, well maybe if I just do this one thing, this person will appreciate it or so and so will think better of me.

Instead of just being myself, I try so hard to be someone each person will like that I become completely overbaring and flat out annoying to some people. I'm feeling this way right now with my dad. I depend on him way too much for everything and I know it wears on him. To his credit, he hasn't turned away from me yet, and when I'm being rational, I know he never will. But when I get sad and insecure, that's the first awful scene I play in my head because it's the worst thing I could ever let myself imagine.

I'm starting to learn that this need for approval from others is childish. I'm not a little kid anymore and I don't need a gold star for everything I do. But I also shouldn't constantly second guess myself. Of course it is a decent thing to do to consider other's feelings in the day to day, but in the end, you have to do what's right for you. I can't always be worried about someone else being angry, irritated, thinking badly of me, etc. Those are things that I simply can't control.

The sad thing is, for me it isn't even about making everyone happy, it's about making sure I always look like the righteous one in every situation. Done with that nonsense. If you don't like my choices and they don't concern you, keep it to yourself or be ready for me to not give a fuck what you think. If people are really going to judge me so harshly and concern themselves so much with what I do in my own life, I'll figure out soon enough who to keep around and who to not. I just hope and pray to whatever entity that be that none of the people I really care about will end up on the "not" list.

Btw, this is in no way directed at a specific person.

Check me out!

So I did it! I'm selling on Scoutmob and you can find me here.

Go check it out!

Oh Nana, I wish you could have seen this. You would have been so proud.

<3

There are leaves...

So many, many leaves. So I decided to do a little fall project with them. I don't have a lot of time before my sale starts on the new website so I'm trying to get in all the little projects I can before then. I will have no time!

My lovely husband and daughter went to pick out the leaves, and I think they did a fantastic job :)

These are my awesome helpers <3

Gemma and I painted them and GLITTERED them. I painted the background and the tree, then GLITTERED it. :D

I still haven't figured out how to put the leaves on so that they will stay (not crumble). I love the 3d look but I'm afraid I will end up having to mod podge them on there. Any ideas? Can I mod podge just the leaves and then glue them on? Help a crafting sister out!

Super Easy Halloween activity to do with kids.

I have no idea if other people do this or if it's a thing. My Meme used to do this with my sister and I and I decided to give it a try with Gemma this year. Nutter Butter Ghosts!

You need:
Nutter Butters
1 bag white chocolate chips
1 bag mini chocolate chips
icing, I chose purple because the only black was super expensive. I now like purple better. :)

Steps:

1. Lay out a few sheets of wax paper.

2. Melt white chocolate in a bowl at 30 sec intervals stirring each time. Stir hard. White chocolate can be a bitch.

3. Dip one side of Nutter Butters in said white chocolate. I like to just shove it in there and then pull it up sideways so the excess drips off. Then I use a knife or the side of the bowl to get it off the edges.

4. Let adorable little child put on chocolate chips for the eyes. Be warned that the adorable little child will become a chocolate hoarder and eat way more than you are comfortable with.

5. Decorate with icing!

6. Eat those suckers.

Who ARE you?

Do you ever go through an entire day where you are just unable to recognize yourself? Or you feel like you don't know the people around you as well as you should?

I have this weird dissociative thing that I've always had off and on. It's been like a week though and I don't know what else to say except that I'm in a funk. I look at my actions throughout the day and I'm thinking, did I really just do that? Or, in a lot of cases, it's did I really NOT do that? 

I've had this amazing opportunity dropped in my lap. Something I never expected. I'm not sure if it's really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but damn, its awesome. Someone wants to sell my stuff on their website. I will have WAY more exposure than I do with my Etsy shop. People like my work. Out of all the others doing what I do, they like mine. It validates me. I feel like I've got something to offer. On top of that, I've made my Dad proud.

But for some reason, this week, I'm feeling like this opportunity can't possibly be meant for me. Is my self worth really that low that I don't think I deserve it? Maybe so. Maybe I really feel like I can't possibly be the person making things that people like and pay money for. Why? Too many years of doubting, feeling inadequate, being depressed. It's an awful way to go about life. I don't recommend it.

Another example: Gemma. I go through so many days looking at her and saying, who is this little person? How could that beautiful little being have come from me? It's almost too hard to believe. Today I just kept looking at her and hugging her, saying I love you so much. She was totally annoyed because I was acting like a crazy person. I just feel like I'm missing out on this awesome connection with her because I'm holding myself back. I'm so obsessed with the idea that I'm doing things wrong, or that I'm not good enough, that I am missing out on building a connection with my baby. She probably looks at me like I'm some mean unhappy person. It kills me.

Story of my life, so anxious and worried about what might happen or what people might think that I end up doing nothing. Ugh. Here's to hoping I can shake this feeling. Soon.

California Love.

Not an entirely original idea (not sure who came up with it first) but I definitely tried to make it my own!

My tattoo!

Aint she pretty :)

Homemade wrapping paper.

I love making my own wrapping paper. Sometimes I use Gemma's paintings or other artwork (you know you have plenty of THAT lying around) or I like to make my own. Here is one example of some wrapping paper I made for my grandmother's Mothers Day present. Its quite simple and looks very glamourous. This picture was actually taken after she had unwrapped the gift. The sequin ribbon originally went all the way around.

So, I actually incorporated some of Gemma's paintings by using them to make most of the flowers. 

Here is a great photo tutorial on how to make these flowers. They can be used for MILLIONS of crafts. 

I would love to give credit to whoever made this but I couldn't find the source!

Cut a circle, cut a swirly out of the circle, roll it up from the outside! That's it!

Anyways, I just used greenish scrapbook paper underneath, wrapped some dollar sequin ribbon I got at Michael's around it, and glued on the flowers. 

Simple. Beautiful.

New hat :)

Finally found one that fits my head! Blog worthy? I think so! Oh, and did I mention that it only cost me $2.50 in the Dollar Spot section of Target? If you know me, you know how much I love to buy as much cheap crap as possible. Total win/win.

Mother's Day Cards

Hopefully none of my Mothers or Grandmothers check this very often because this blog is about the cards I made for them this year. It was a really fun, super cheap craft and I'm in love with the results. Obviously, these techniques can be applied to making cards for different occasions, too!

 Supplies:

-any white/light colored paper. Thicker paper makes for a better card. I use an artist drawing pad from Walmart.

-stencils from Walmart about $2.50-$3.00 for a pack of 48

-letter stamps and stamp pads from the $1 bins in Walmart's craft area.

-Kleenex or something similar (tp?)

Ready set go!

-fold your paper to the size you want (I will be making my own envelopes to fit my cards)

- hold the stencil down where you want it, dab your kleenex in the ink and then dap it over your stencil. I also lightly rubbed the rest of the paper to give it a little color.

 - use your little alphabet stamps to write what you want.

- add finishing touches..rhinestones or whatever.

Ta-daaaaa! How easy what's that? And it looks awesome!

Once upon a colorful snack..

I am very proud of this snack. It is more than just a snack. It was a spontaneous act of creativity that I have been longing for. It may just look like melon balls, chocolate chips, and sprinkles to you (because that is exactly what it is) but damn it, this colorful little bowl of goodness has given me some hope! Maybe I haven't lost it after all!

Almost there.

What more can you ask for in this life than to have others love you unconditionally? I am lucky enough to have more than one such person. I'm not sure how it happened or that I really deserve it, but I am so grateful. One of the things that my Dad always tells me is that I need to look at what I have. Sure, life can be shitty and sometimes you think you might just give up, but my god woman, look at what you HAVE! More specifically look at WHO you have. I could walk through fire with these people by my side, or at least I could call them and talk to them about it afterwards. ;) Maybe someday this blog will be about crafting and cooking again...

Still in that weird place.

The good news is that my unbearable anxiety has subsided for the most part. The bad news is that I'm starting to feel kind of homeless. I've been here with my grandparents for almost 4 weeks, way longer than I had originally planned on staying. It's been really great, despite the weight gain (must start working on that tomorrow!) I love my grandparents. I'm like their 6th child, so when I stay with them I kind of get in this "take care of me" mindset. I think 3 weeks is long enough for that. My grandma has probably had enough, too. Haha.   I know she is having a blast with Gemma though. Everyone seems to enjoy Gemma's company, including my Uncle Brendan who she commands to make her bacon every morning for breakfast. Although, my uncle might tell you that he doesn't enjoy tripping over Thomas the train 20 times a day.

Back to being homeless. I've never identified our house as my 'home' but that is where Brian and my cats are :) The problem, of course, is that I effing hate it there, so it isn't really a home. I probably feel more at home staying with my grandparents more than I would anywhere else. I have my own room which helps. But the fact is that I'm still living out of suitcases..which gets old REALLY fast. Clothes everywhere. Also, I don't have friends here, except for my new friend who lives across the street. And believe me, I am thankful to have another new mom to hang out with a few times a week, but she starts work again next week. I miss my friends back home. I miss my mom friends, and I'm sure that Gemma misses her little 2 year old partners in crime. Most of all, I miss Brian. I miss having someone to cuddle with when I've had a long day. I miss having someone else help with meals and bedtimes for Gemma. And Gemma isn't getting enough time with her Dad which is rough for all of us.

Despite all of these things, I know I made the right decision coming here. No matter how exhausted I am from getting 5 hours of sleep every night and taking care of Gemma by myself 24/7, nothing is as bad as that terrible anxiety. Now that I at least know where I will be for the next three weeks, it's time to get out of "take care of me" mode and to get into "start taking care of myself mode." That's why I came here. To get better. So I need to start doing it.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes.

jill

I finally painted something!

And I think it's pretty dammn good.

Keep telling yourself that.

Thought for the night:

It's sad to watch people descend into total misery and chaos while they keep trying to convince themselves and everyone around them that they are happy that way.

I'm not happy right now, and I'm owning it. I'm owning my crazy, as my Aunt Banana would say. I'm changing something about my life to make things better for my family and me before I cross that line into completely out of control and just plain sad.

Faking that you are strong doesn't in fact make you strong. It makes you fake.

I'd rather be on the edge of insanity and know where I stand. I'd rather be honest.

Taking the time to try and fix yourself is what really makes you brave.

Night.
jillianne.

Rainy day.

Self portrait on a rainy day. <3

Reno.

I haven't been on here for over a week! Shame on me :/

I've been in Reno staying at my grandparents' house since last Monday. When most people think of Reno, they think of white trash and casinos, but my grandparents actually live in a beautiful area called South Meadows (I think). They live right at the foot of the mountains..beautiful views from their backyard and windows. I am loving it. The mountains always have such a calming effect on me. I love all the trees and how untouched the snow looks. It's nice to get away from the "city."

We spent Easter with two of my uncles. By we, I just mean Gemma and me. Brian has stayed behind to work and fix up the house. Anyways, Easter was a blast. It's been way too long since I spent time with my Uncle Jon and his family. He's got three beautiful kids and they were so awesome with Gemma. They also live in North Lake Tahoe which is amazing and beautiful.

Other than the Easter excitement, we've just been here relaxing and hanging out. Basically doing what we would be doing at home but without the added stress and aggravation. I feel my Nana here. Even though it wasn't really her home, she did pass here and I can feel her energy. I figure someone has to be watching over Gemma the 10,000 times a day she sneaks up and down the staircase by herself.

So all in all, coming here was a good idea. The house was listed today and already has someone looking at it tonight and tomorrow night. So I'm letting myself feel optimistic. :)

Good night.

If I could right the a-hole a letter...

it would go something like this.

Mr. Larry Lepore, 

I can tell by your condescending tone over the phone that you think you are more important than everyone, and I just wanted to assure you that you are not. I think that your behavior during this entire ordeal has been pathetic. In the past it has taken weeks for you to return my emails, no one in your department knows what they are talking about, and I have a ton of emails with very conflicting information from numerous people on your staff. I plan on taking you and your department to court for not properly identifying the property as a public park when we bought our home and for, by your own admission and the admission of numerous other staff members, being unable to enforce your own park rules. I think it is really sad that none of you have any compassion for a small family trying to make their home in your city. Hayward needs more citizens who actually care about their properties and don't want kids dealing drugs next door, vandalizing buildings, or running gates down with their cars. All I asked yesterday was that you compromise with me on the hours, and you can't even do that because the truth is that you don't give a crap about the little people like me. And it's too bad, because now we are leaving Hayward. It's all very clear to me that the downfall of Hayward is self-important pricks like you who don't actually care about the regular citizens here, but are looking forward to living off of their hard earned tax money for the rest of your life. I hope that the fact that you and your department's severe lack of communication, compassion, and consideration that has ruined my family's American dream will weigh heavily on your conscience. Thank you for putting my husband, my two year old daughter, and me through hell. I won't forget it. 

No response necessary, 

Jillianne Libbe


But Brian won't let me :( So I posted it here instead. Haha. Don't get on my bad side! 

Light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm happy to report that today I can see a tinnnnyyyy (that's was for Mary) little light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. That's about as optimistic as I dare to be, getting my hopes up is no fun for anyone. But considering where I was last night, this morning I'm feeling about 1 million times better. Although I did start crying while painting the patio room (more on that in a minute) and had to call my dad. He's such a good guy. He knows exactly how to read me and always knows the best thing to say. For example, this morning I was angry and so he suggested that I leave my neighbors a nice thank you note when I leave. Something like "Dear Assholes, thank you for being so obnoxious that I have had to sell my house. I have now made 30k off of it and I am going to break your basketball hoop before I leave. Who are the losers now?" Haha. Perfect. Being my dad is a tough job, I'm sure. He's been picking up the pieces for me for years now and despite everything I've put him through, he has never once not loved me through it. I've thrown everything I have at him, and he still loves me. That's a good dad.

I wanted to expand a little on where my anxiety comes from in this situation. I'm not doing this because I think that everyone needs to know my every waking thought, I'm writing this for me. When I write things down, I can see what I'm really thinking and it helps me to organize my thoughts. Why am I sharing it publicly? I think it helps my self confidence to feel like I have something important to share. I've spent a lot of time in recent years worrying about what others think of me and so I've put very little of myself "out there." This blog helps me to slowly chip away at the huge wall I have built up between myself and the outside world. It's a small first step, but an important one.

A lot of the time I feel like a complete crazy person for being bothered by this whole basketball situation to the point where I feel like I'm mentally breaking down. What I've come to realize is that it isn't about the basketball. I played basketball for years and the sound of an actual basketball is not THAT big of a deal. Sure it can be annoying after 4 hours, but that isn't what this is about. It's really become about the complete lack of consideration that any of these people have. From my neighbors, to the employees I've dealt with from the city, none of them have a lick of common decency.

My neighbors are aware of the fact that we just bought this home. They know that we have put hundreds of hours of work into it. They know that we have a two year old. And yet, just last night, they let their kids play basketball next to our bedrooms until 8 pm at night. Well past sunset which they KNOW is when the park closes. Why? I would never let my kid play basketball next to what I know to be a toddlers bedroom until 8 at night, let alone at 6pm which is most people's dinner time! And you know what the worst part is?? One of the families has a 3 year old! They should know more than anyone how precious a toddler's sleep is! It's just infuriating. The fact that these kids talk back to me like I'm an idiot when I go over and ask them to please go home. It's the lack of respect that really gets me going. Every minute past 6 pm that I have to put up with that crap, I just sink deeper and deeper. What did I do to deserve such crap? If anything, by fixing up this dump, I made all of their houses look better. But then again, the two families I have problems with own the dumpiest houses on our street so they probably don't care. Tells you a lot about them actually.

And this is what I cried about in my patio room this morning. The fact that we have put every ounce of everything we have into this house for the past year (including just trying to GET the house) and this is what it comes down to. It makes me so angry and so heartbroken at the same time.  I am surrounded by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Seems to be a common attitude in this part of town, and I am so done with it.

Finding a way out.

Just a warning, this is a total downer. Can't put on the "happy housewife" face today.

These days, most of my time is spent trying to find a way to avoid my anxiety. This blog was made to give me a creative outlet to deal with said anxiety. I hoped for it to put more meaning back into my life. Lately, nothing seems to help. Anxiety has completely destroyed me over the past three or four months. It's taken everything left that I loved about myself and turned it to shit. Excuse my language. I tried really hard to put on a happy face for a long time. But the truth is, I can't even enjoy being creative anymore.

When you say the word "anxiety", it sounds small. Like it's not that big of a deal, like everyone has it from time to time..how bad can it be? But for me, it feels like I am always on the edge of a complete mental breakdown, like I can't breathe, and it will never end. I'm constantly paralyzed in my head. It's a miracle if I can will myself to do the dishes, let alone sit on the ground and read books to my child. Don't even get me started on how guilty I feel about my mothering as of late.

I've had problems with anxiety for a couple of years, and I've always had episodes of depression, but I can honestly say it's never been this bad. I think there are a lot of factors that play into my anxiety, but the biggest one right now that causes me the most grief is that I do not feel safe and at peace in my own home. When you are a homebody like myself, that is a really unbearable feeling.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have no money for the amount of therapy I need, I can't take my Xanax during the day because it knocks me out, not to mention I would like to avoid becoming an addict. I've tried meditating, focusing on breathing, leaving the house...The only solution I can come up with is to move out while we wait to sell the house. I am leaving for Reno on Monday, and will probably be back before Easter, and after that I don't know. I really don't know.

Any suggestions?

So, so sick.

Gemma and my littlest sister, Brooke

No literally. I feel like I've been dying a slow and torturous death over the past two days. Gemma and I got a really terrible cold about 3 weeks ago. We missed two weeks worth of music classes and were totally miserable. We went to visit my parents during that time (note the aquarium pictures from our visit!), because I thought that we were getting better...not the case. Gemma seemed to get better, but I got worse and worse. I have never had congestion like that in my life. I couldn't breathe through my nose, smell, taste, and my head felt like I was going to explode. I could hardly hear either!

My dad, Gemma, and Brooke.

Anyways, I started to get better right before I went to Vegas (which was sooo fun!) but I still had a little cough and some congestion lingering around. I was ok until yesterday. Apparently I've had a sinus infection hanging out in my forehead and yesterday it decided to unleash it's power on me. Oh. My. God. I've been dizzy, nauseated, had a fever, have had epic headaches, have had a constantly runny nose, inflamed nasal passages, I've called Brian crying because I couldn't see straight.

Love this. Looks like she's in the tank!

So I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my doctor yesterday at 4, which I'm surprised I even made it to because not only did I have to drive in the rain, but I've basically been having hallucinations for the past two days. Not like Billy Madison where I think I'm being followed by a giant penguin, but like I'm dreaming while I'm awake..completely zoned out. The doctor said I have a pretty bad sinus infection including fluid in my ears so she prescribed me some Flonase and Augmentin (antibiotic).

I go to Rite Aid to pick up my prescription, still feeling like a total loopty loo. I shop a little and then go to inquire about my meds. I'm told that the prescription hasn't come in yet. It's 4:30. So I wait while and go back 20 minutes later to ask again. I'm told it still hasn't come in. On of the Pharms offers to call, she is on the phone for two seconds and says, "Oh their phone system is just so confusing! Sorry I don't have time to wait on hold." This is such BS and I know it because I never have to wait more than a minute to get someone on the line at my Dr's office. I wait another 20 minutes, am told again it still hasn't come in, so I decide to call my Dr's office. They tell me they sent it electronically at 4:30 but they will resend it. I tell one of the Pharms, she says she will look for it. It's now 5:45 and the same Pharm says, "Oh it came in as a fax! You told me it was electronic!" What the hell? I've been there for an hour and 15 minutes and they are just now checking their faxes to double check that my prescription isn't there?? So I have to now wait another 25 minutes for them to fill my prescription. The other Pharms I dealt with have already gone home. When I finally go to pay for my prescription, I ask to see the time stamp on the fax from the Dr's office. 4:30. So A) they lied and said they didn't get the first one and B) I had to wait an hour and 40 minutes sick, with my two year old, for my freaking prescription. You bet they got an earful from me. Never going there again.

So yeah, it's been a fun few days. I am hoping to make some Easter treats for the blog later this week with Gemma provided that I can actually stand for more than 5 minutes at a time :/ I'm a huge baby, I know.

Be HEALTHY.
jill

Just silly.

I had a really weird day today. The first half of the day was awesome because Gem and I got to participate in the most amazing Easter play date ever. Complete with baskets, candy, stickers, a stuffed bunny and an egg hunt. But when I got home I remembered all of the stupid crap going on in my life and I came back down again. Kind of a bummer. Anyways, I can't sleep so I've been browsing piccsy.com and I came across this. It just made me laugh despite all the blah going on around me, so I thought I would share.

not sure who to give credit to!

It especially made me laugh because I kept saying that phrase "Haters gonna hate" to my little sister Brooke a few weekends ago and she thought I was a big weirdo. She's 13, so everyone is a weirdo ;)

Anyways, hoping for a better tomorrow.  It definitely helps to have such a supportive husband and the most adorable baby girl in my life. They make me feel worthwhile on days like this.

<3 jill

Tortilla Pizzas!

My stepmom made these a lot when I was growing up. They are super easy, fast, delicious, and as I discovered today...really fun for kids to help make! My twist is adding the veggies. I sneak them in wherever I can.

What you need:

-Tomato paste
-Pureed vegetables aka baby food. We used mixed veggies.
-grated cheese of your choice
-toppings of your choice.

Instructions:

1. Lay out some tortillas on a baking sheet. Turn on the broiler.

2. Spread on tomato paste, followed by veggie puree, followed by cheese.

3. Put in the oven for just a few minutes keeping a close eye on them! Broiling is the fastest way, but it doesn't cook them as much on the bottom. I find though, that once I let them cool for 5-10 minutes they firm up a bit. Cut up or serve whole!

my beautiful "sun" :)

Chocolate Mint Mud Pie :)

Yay for being a quarter Irish! A little Irish goes a long way though. Have you met my temper? :) I get the Irish blood and influence from my Nana who was full blooded and my Grandpa Steve who is also 100%. Truth be told, I don't know if their feisty nature comes from their Irish roots or the fact that they are from around New York City. Anyways, my Nana was incredibly proud of her Irish heritage. (I can't even tell you how many hours of river dancing I watched with that wonderful woman.) ANYWAYS, this post isn't all about my Irish roots, it's about the best dessert in the world. The mud pie. No culinary genius involved here. Just pure and simple goodness. My grandma has been making these for years, most recently at her house I had a coffee mud pie with a layer of dark chocolate poured on top. Heaven I tell you! Heaven! This is my favorite version that my dad makes. So simple, and so amazing. Enjoy!

What you need:

-1 quart Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream

-1 jar of fudge. Use the kind at the end of the ice cream isle. It's thick and doesn't come in a squeeze bottle. We don't want chocolate syrup!


-2 packages of mint flavored chocolate cookies.

**Optional**

-Decorative topping of your choice. I used white chocolate and green gel food coloring. Other options are melted green baking chips, green frosting, sprinkles, whip cream..make it your own!

-1 pre made Oreo pie crust (optional if you don't want to make your own crust)

Directions:


**Take out your ice cream now so it isn't too hard to work with**

1. Crush up about 1 1/2 cups worth of the grasshopper cookies. This can be done quickly in a food processor. Add several small dollops (smaller dollops are easier to mix in) of the fudge to your crumbs and mix up. I think a fork works best, this stuff is sticky! Moisten the crumbs with the fudge just enough to make them all stick together.

2. Using your hands and a big spoon, push the mixture into a regular sized pie pan to form a crust.

3. Using a baking spatula, put large dollops of ice cream on top of your crust. I used almost the entire carton. Smooth it out with your spatula. I used the slow churned ice cream because the texture it easier for me to work with, but regular ice cream will give you a more solid pie. Your choice.

**Put in the freezer while you do the following step**

4. Take your remaining cookies and break them into thirds or fourths, putting them in a bowl. I used a whole carton of cookies. Add more fudge! Give them a good coat of it!

5. Take your pie out of the freezer and layer the cookies on top. I know this seems kind of redundant because the crust is basically the same, but I guarantee you that two layers of cookies is better than one :)

not super attractive, I know :)

**Put it back in the freezer**

6. Put about a third of your chocolate chips in a small bowl. Microwave in 30 second intervals until melted, stirring each time. It only took me two times. Add green food coloring. I recommend using gel because when you add the more watery food coloring to white chocolate, it can seize and be hard to use.

7.  Now drizzle your green chocolate, or whatever you have decided to use, on top! I used a pastry bag so Gemma could help me. You can also use a zip lock bag and just cut off the corner.

Gemma and I have mad decorating skills :)

Voila! A very simple, crowd pleasing, delicious mud pie. I know it's not the most beautiful of desserts, but it is damn delicious. And that's what really matters, right?

Grow up.

I'd like to think that I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I don't get my kicks from being a mean girl. Don't get me wrong, I love the movie Mean Girls. ;) But it is about high school girls. Every once in a while I catch myself trash talking someone I don't like with someone else. I think everyone has those moments where they just need to vent. But when that is the only connection you have with someone..that you like to talk badly about people together or whine about anything you can think of...is that really a healthy relationship? Probably not.

I used to be a total mean girl. I was so insecure and disgusted with the way I was living my life that my only solace was to be mean to others and talk as much crap as I could. I surrounded myself with others who were feeling negative and wanted to join in the "fun." It took me a long time to realize that there is a huge difference between having your opinion and venting every once in awhile, and having your entire life revolve around purposely being a nasty bitch. I like to think that realizing that difference means I'm growing up. I had to make some changes in my life to get away from the negativity. I had to let some relationships go, not necessarily because of who those people were, but who I was around them. Some of my friends grew up with me, some didn't. So is life.

Unfortunately, not everyone gets past that stage. Some people live their entire lives being so negative that nobody is ever good enough for them. They can never see past the end of their own upturned nose to see how their actions and negativity effect others, or how their own poisonous attitudes are hurting them. They don't see the good in people, or the relationships that they are missing out on. Instead they laugh at those brave enough to bare their emotions--they talk badly about them, judge them. But really, they know that they are jealous that they don't have the guts to do the same.  Not everyone feels the need to wear their heart on their sleeve the way I do, and that's ok. This would be one crazy world if everyone were as emotional as I am. But to judge people for trying to care? For having human emotions? Really? It just seems so sad and cowardly.

The way I see it, it's just so exhausting to be miserable all the time. It takes a lot more effort to make someone else feel bad than to just be a decent person. It takes a lot more effort to say something in a nasty way. I know that misery loves company, because miserable people have to feed off of others to keep themselves going. But this girl aint gonna be that company noooo more. I'm no longer responding or reacting to that kind of behavior. I'm better than that. No more games. If you don't like me, it would be nice if you could just leave me alone rather than take the time to treat me like crap and make me feel like I don't belong. Don't make the effort to be nasty and hang around. There are some people who have had a hold on me for a long time, who I tried really hard to care about but they couldn't see past their own drama to give me a chance. I promised myself that this would be the year I would simplify. And that means shaking off all the excess baggage because I AM a good person and I deserve to shine a little.

When you actually start gaining some confidence in yourself as a person, you realize that the healthy relationships in your life flourish, and the negative relationships die off because they have nothing to feed off of anymore. Obviously not everyone falls into these two categories; some people are just busy! YOU are responsible for your own happiness first and foremost and you have to be willing to let go of the people who constantly keep you down. You can love them, and miss them, and hope they come around..but you have to look out for yourself and the people who depend on you.

Be kind. Be confident. Don't let others get you down!

<3 jill

My Favorite No Carb Snacks and Recipes.

This is a post I started awhile ago and just now got around to finishing. It is a quick QUICK compilation of the foods I rely on when I'm trying to cut carbs. Which is pretty much all the time. None of these recipes are going to win an award. They are simple, healthy meals that don't take a lot of time or thought (both of which I am dangerously low on at the moment.) Sorry I don't have pictures. I guess I need to start being one of those people who takes pictures of everything I eat.

Creamy Leeks and Tilapia

          
Tastes better than it sounds. Kind of ends up tasting like a chowder.

-2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 1/2- 2 cups sliced leeks
- 1/3 cup non fat or light sour cream
-2-4 leeks (depending on size and how hungry you are!)
-Salt and pepper to taste.

1) Slice up one or two leaks depending on what you feel like. I'd say about 1 1/2-2 cups is good. Throw them in a large saute pan with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper to taste. Add a few tablespoons of water, cover and cook on medium for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2) Add 1/4 cup water and a 1/3 cup of non fat or light sour cream. Mix together and put however many fillets of frozen tilapia on top. I do 2-3 depending on how hungry I am.

3) Season tilapia with a little salt and pepper, cover and let cook for 4 minutes. Flip and repeat. Tilapia should be done after 8 minutes, but always check that the fish is flaky and cooked through.


Yogurt and berry smoothie with cocoa

1) Mix 1 cup nonfat or light vanilla yogurt with 1 cup frozen berries. Add 1 Yakult OR 1/4 cup Kefir OR 1/4 cup of nonfat milk. Mix in desired amount of cocoa powder and blend. Mmmm.

Celery Ranch Chicken Lettuce Wraps


1) Mix chopped chicken breast, chopped celery (for crunch!) and any other veggies (mushrooms, tomatoes, avocado, carrots, radishes, green onions, etc...)

2) Flavor some non fat sour cream with a little ranch dip mix, or seasonings of your choice and add to chicken and veggies.

3) Spoon mixture into big leaves of lettuce to wrap up and eat!

Scrambled eggs with a bit of goat cheese, cherry tomatoes, and a little arugula.


Pretty self explanatory. This is my breakfast everyday. If I'm trying to be healthier, I do egg whites.


Egg Drop Soup with Brussels Sprouts


See here. 

Easy Crock Pot Chicken and Vegetable Soup


Such an easy meal! You just need:

- 4 cups of chicken broth
 -Chopped veggies. Choose from: cabbage, diced canned tomatoes, carrots, celery, onion, green onion, or anything else you love that sounds good :)
-Cut up chicken breast
-Season with garlic, salt, and pepper to taste.

Put into a crock pot and cook on low for 7 hours, or high for 3-4hours.

I make this is huge batches and portion it out for my lunches for the week. Saves me time and calories.


Oven Baked BBQ Chicken with Sauteed Brussels Sprouts for Two


-6-8 Frozen chicken tenders
-BBQ sauce
-4 cups of Brussels sprouts whole.
-2 Tablespoons of olive oil
- 3-4 cloves minced garlic
-Salt and pepper to taste


1) Place chicken in sprayed glass baking dish. I do frozen chicken tenders, which I cook at 365 for 25-30 minutes. Season your chicken with salt and pepper before putting into the oven. Halfway through, take the chicken out and pour your favorite BBQ sauce on.

2) Cut the ends off of your Brussels sprouts (about 4 cups whole for two people) and remove the leaves that easily come off. Cut the remainder of the sprouts in half. (Use leaves AND halves!)

3) Warm 2 Tablespoons of olive oil in a pan over medium heat. Add about 3 cloves minced garlic. Cook for a minute. Add Brussels sprouts and 1/4 cup of water. Season with salt and pepper. Stir frequently. Cook until Brussels sprouts are just tender, about 5 minutes.




Grapefruit with truvia sprinkled on top.


I often eat this as a midmorning snack. You'd be surprised at how good Truvia is as an alternative to sugar.


Cauliflower pizza crust!!


Great recipe here. I would sub reduced fat cheese, or use less cheese and an extra egg white. Play with it! It's delicious!


Lettuce Wrapped Ground Turkey Tacos.

Costco has the best deal around on lean ground turkey meat. And we love it! This is a really simple concept. Use lean ground turkey instead of beef, and lettuce instead of tortillas. It will save you a ton of calories and fat! Just don't go overboard on the cheese, and use low fat sour cream. Tip: mix your sour cream with Tapatio. Heaven.

Cabinet change up.

I'm totally going insane! I have starved creative Jill, and I am paying for it dearly. Creating is my outlet. In my profile I say that if I'm not creating, I'm not living, and that is the honest truth. Because I do suffer from anxiety like so many others that I know, it's important to have an outlet-- that release. I haven't even been pinning for god's sake! It's too painful to look at all of those awesome DIY's knowing that I don't have time to do any of them, let alone create my own. Alas, my days are filled with monotonous tasks like painting trim. Actually, this past week, Gemma and I were deathly ill so I did absolutely nothing but watch the same three episodes of Dora over and over again (blahhhhhhhh.) Anyways, my point of all of this rambling is that I'm going to be posting some small stuff that I've done in the past just to keep my blog going. Nothing too crazy, but little details that can spruce up your space..maybe for Spring? Or maybe you just need a change like I do.

This is a really simple way to add some detail or a splash of color to any room. This piece of furniture is Ikea and the entire back panel comes off in one piece, so it was a really easy DIY. I picked out a pretty wrapping paper from Target, covered it up, and nailed it back on!

Before:

Not exactly the same, but the from the same line at Ikea.


After:

What do you think?

<3 jill

Sharkies.

Sometimes I like to think I'm a shark. :) Gemma and I are just getting ready for our upcoming trip to the aquarium. Very excited! Hope everyone is having a good week. I ran out of steam with the blog this week because of other things I've been dealing with. I'm sure that my three loyal readers, one of whom is probably my grandmother, are very disappointed. ;) Most of my time is spent painting the house, which is no fun, and reading because I've got a goal to reach! Currently finishing up "The End of Normal" by Stephanie Madoff Mack. Very sad, but a great read. I'll be back with more crafts and ideas soon though. Until then.

Jill

Why we are selling our house.

Yes, we will be listing the house for sale in the next month hopefully. Brian didn't feel like it was necessary to broadcast it, and initially I agreed with him. But people are going to find out about it either way, and I would like everyone to know the deal, because the truth is, I'm kind of embarrassed about it. After we had so many devoted friends and family members here to help us make this our new home, I feel bad that we didn't last very long here. To all of you who contributed, we truly thank you and will not forget how much hard work you put in to help us make this a home.

The talk of selling originally started when we started having problems with our neighbors. I have really bad anxiety (like anxiety attacks, the whole nine yards), and having daily confrontations with a bunch of teenagers who are twice my size is not my idea of a good time. Coming off of a holiday season from hell, throwing party after party because I'm insane, and putting in hundreds of hours making this place livable, I just couldn't take the extra aggravation. I know a lot of people think I'm nuts for letting this get to me so badly. The problem is that I'm home alone with Gemma for 12 hours a day. When she can't take a nap, she is scared to be in her room because they are so loud, we can't go outside because of the constant screaming of profanities, you can imagine that my day becomes THAT much more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I am terrified of them. I've seen these kids meeting with a drug dealer next to my home, I've had an older cousin of one of the kids threaten to pull a gun on someone right in front of me...can you blame me when I'm home alone with my 2 year old all day?

So when things became unbearable, we called and met with our realtor. She feels that at this moment in the market, we could get quite a bit more for our house than what we paid. So this started a new conversation for us. Why not sell it for the money? We have the advantage of being in a cheaper (but still pretty nice) neighborhood than Castro Valley, we are on a cul de sac, there is a brand new school being built right next to us, and our house is a good size with a patio room that is going to be redone. We knew when we bought this house that it was not our forever home. We bought it as a stepping stone, a way to get a foot in the door.

So the plan is to sell, make a decent amount of money, and move back to the area we really love which is the San Ramon, Danville, Dublin area. We are hoping to use our profit to buy again in a better area before the rates go back up which they are predicted to do in about two years.

Anyways, I hope people understand. This is really the best decision for our family.

In other news, I will pay anyone $10 to come play hockey, basketball, midget tossing..whatever in the park next to our house on Sunday so I don't have to hear those kids while I paint the patio room! :D

17 day diet.

So I started the 17 Day Diet back in September, 2011. I had a lot of success with it right off the bat. The idea is that you teach yourself how to eat again, mostly teaching yourself how to be careful when it comes to carbs. The system is 4 cycles of 17 days each. In the first cycle, you eat absolutely no carbs, no sugar except for a few select fruits, and severely limit your fat intake. You can eat as many of the allowed veggies (most veggies are a go) and as much of the listed lean proteins as you like. You also need to have 2 pro biotic servings a day along with a glass of green tea at each meal. As you go through each cycle, you slowly add carbs and fattier meats back into your diet, but in smaller amounts. For example, cycle 2 alternates between cycle 1 days and days where you can have one serving of a natural carb. By cycle 4, you follow a healthy diet during the week, limiting carbs, sugars, and fats, but you can eat what you want on the weekends.

I got through cycle 1 without a problem. I was really proud of myself and lost around 10 lbs, which I am happy to say I have kept off since then! I lost another 3 or 4 lbs doing cycle 2 but I started to feel sluggish and sickly so I stopped following the diet strictly. The fact that I was able to keep off 10 lbs during the holidays was a miracle to me and really proved to me that this diet was on to something. The main thing that stuck with me even after following the diet for such a short time, was how many carbs I was actually consuming without even batting an eye. I am much more aware now of the carbs I take in and I think that really helped me keep a majority of the weight off.

I know that 10 lbs sounds like nothing to a lot of people, but it's a big deal for me. I've been struggling with my weight since I started college. I just have so very little self control when it comes to food, not to mention very low self esteem. Sometimes I binge eat almost to punish myself because I'm feeling so low. It's really bazaar. Anyways, today I started the 17 day diet again. Now that the holidays are gone, there are no more excuses. Plus, my lovely friend is getting married in late March and I'm a bridesmaid! I don't want to look all bloated and gross in her pictures, so I'm going to try and shed another 10 lbs before her big day. It definitely won't put me anywhere near my "ideal weight" but I will feel better about myself.

I'm not going to lie, a lot of this is about vanity. I used to really enjoy the attention I got for my looks, and relied on it way too much for way too long. I had a false sense of confidence and never spent time learning to love the me inside. So now that I feel that my good looks are a thing of the past, I don't have any confidence to rely on either. I'm working on it, but it's hard to undo years of self loathing, which I always had for one thing or another. I worry way too much about what other people think of me, when in reality, they probably aren't thinking of me at all. If you ask my Dad, the problem is that I think about me too much. lol.

Another part of this is that I do want to feel healthy again. When I'm feeling healthy I'm more awake, the dark circles under my eyes fade, my skin feels better, and I have more energy to spend on my daughter. I'll get there. Wish me luck.

<3 jill

Happy Sunday!

Why can't they stay small and sweet forever?

When I woke up this morning I was welcomed into the day by Gemma who gave me a huge hug and said, "Daddy, it's a Mommy! Mommy's here!" Then she took my hand, led me to the couch and read me her train book. It was so nice to wake up to!

It took me a long time to really accept that I was a mother. I knew I was a mother, and I've spent almost every day with Gemma since she was born. But the realization that she really was mine, and the bond that follows took a little more time. I think I was scared to mess her up, so I did my best, but didn't let myself really fall in love the way a mother does. I don't think I'm alone on this. I've heard from a lot of mothers that this can take time.

Ever seen "The Business of Being Born?" It's a very informative movie about the importance of natural birth, emphasizing home births. While, I don't necessarily agree that home birth is right for everyone, (it certainly wouldn't have been right for me!) something one of the physicians said in his interview was very interesting to me. He claimed that women who had c-sections didn't have the same release of hormones that made them immediately feel that bond and love for their newborn. I had a c-section. After being 2 weeks overdue and nothing happening, we did an ultrasound and found out that Gemma was going to be between 9 1/2 lbs and 11 lbs and something oz. A c-section was a must. Anyways, sometimes I wonder if  what that doctor said is really true and that's why it took me so long.

Nevertheless, I can definitely say today that I am a full on mama bear (no, not the Sarah Palin crazy kind.) Every time I look at that little lady I just think, my god, how did we do that? I'm trying to live in the moment these days, because I realize now that she won't be this tiny and adorable forever. As she gets older, some days she will hate me, think I'm trying to ruin her life, and even try to shut me out. And on those days, I will remember moments like this morning when she wrapped her chubby little arms around my neck and said with delight, "Mommy's here!!"

Hold on to those moments.

Very Green Key Lime Pie.

This is one of my favorite recipes, and it's really simple. Have you ever seen the movie "Waitress?" It's basically about a pregnant lady who is unhappy with her life and finds solace in making pies. And they look ah-maaaaz-ing. I couldn't find a picture, but she makes these custard looking pies in all kinds of bright colors. That's what inspired me when I made this key lime pie. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Ingredients:

Crust                                                                   
                                                 
* 1 1/14 cups graham crumbs                    

* 2 Tablespoons sugar                                

* 5 Tablespoons butter                                

 Filling


 * 1 can condensed milk

* 4 egg yolks

* 3/4 cup Key Lime Juice (bottled or freshly squeezed)
                                                                   
* green food coloring (optional)

Instructions:

1. Mix well: graham crumbs, sugar and melted butter in a bowl. Press into pie pan. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes.

2.Whisk condensed milk with yolks until well combined. Add juice and whisk.  At this point the mixture will probably start to thicken a bit. Your mixture will probably look a pale yellow now, so I like to make it a little more exciting by adding food coloring. Add one drop of green at a time and mix well until you get the color you want.

3. Pour your mixture into the crust and bake for another 15 minutes. Let it cool completely on a rack at room temperature and then transfer to the refrigerator for 8 hrs to set.

****The picture you see above is this recipe DOUBLED. I used a 12 inch pie pan.

Enjoy!

Jillianne

50 Things to do With Your Toddler...what works for us.

I keep seeing these list floating around and although a lot of them have been really helpful, some aren't really relevant to Gemma and me. So I thought I would make my own! And if I can give some at-her-wits-end-stay-at-home-mom some ideas, then I will have accomplished my goal.

Most of these activities are geared towards children around 2, but there is definitely some activities to do with younger and older children as well!

1. Bath (or shower in Gemma's case). Crayons, alphabet magnets, shaving cream, glow in the dark sticks, bath fizzies that turn the water pink, washing their plastic toys. Gemma loves to wash her Daffy Duck.

2. Construction paper and stickers. Ask what shape they want, cut it out for them, and let them go at it! I use the tiny round stickers, or cheap star stickers from Walmart.

3. Perler Beads. See my post on them here.

4. Watch videos of trains on youtube. Sounds silly, but my god do toddlers love trains.

5. Trains again. Draw a track using a bunch of white printer paper taped together. Cut box cars out of construction paper or old drawings. You can even talk about what kind of freight each car is carrying. Fasten them together with tape or hole punch and use string, pipe cleaners, or ribbon. Don't forget the caboose!

6. Flash cards. I know people think these are boring, but Gemma loves her animal flashcards! She likes to flip them around for me and put them back in order too.

7. Make a hat out of paper. You can cut out a crown if your little one is feeling particularly royal, let them decorate it and then tape it together at the back. Or you can let them decorate the paper and make a cone hat.

8. Cut out cookies. Gemma loves to help me put the flour down and then use the cookie cutters all by herself. If you don't want baked goods sitting around (like me) give them away, or give them to dad to take to work!



8 1/2. Decorate said cookies. 

9. Make a book. I know that some toddlers aren't quite there yet, but it can be very basic. Help them draw the pictures and form the sentences. Put all of the pages together and I bet you anything they will be amazed at what they have accomplished. Especially if you have a little book worm like we do!

10. Blocks. Not only are blocks for building, they can be for counting and color sorting as well. If you don't have some blocks, get some.

11. Make a fort. One of my favorite past times as a kid and some of my earliest memories. Pull up some dining room chairs near the couch and drape a sheet over them. Ta daaaaaa.

12. Call Dad, Grandma, Pop-pop or whoever is available and tell them all about your toddler's latest accomplishment, making sure they are on speaker phone and your toddler is listening.  I know this isn't really an "activity" but your toddler will light up. It's a great way to enforce good behavior, and also a great way to break a whining streak!

13. Go outside with the purpose of listening. You will be amazed at the everyday sounds you tune out. We have a rooster in our neighborhood, lots of airplanes flying by, a neighbor who works on cars. All of these things I would have overlooked, but Gemma is fascinated.


14. Go outside with a magnifying glass. What can you find?

15. Pipecleaners.  $1 for a pack of 25 at Joann. Make bracelets, necklaces, chains, caterpillars. You name it.

16. Make personal pizzas. You can do this for Friday night pizza, or much easier, use tortillas and tomato paste. Sprinkle the cheese and decorate with whatever you've got. Make shapes, or faces!

17. Put O's on a string. A beautiful necklace perhaps?

18. Play I Spy while folding laundry. "I spy a blue shirt with a flower, " and she hands it to me to fold.

19. Wheels on the Bus, Skinnamarinky (whoa spelling) Dinky Dink, Baby Bumble Bee, Itsy Bitsy Spider. Songs with motions.

20. Make a faux stew. When my cousins and I were little bitty, we used to take a bucket or one of my grandma's giant stock pots and fill it with water (usually outside using the hose) and then we would gather anything we could find in the yard and those were our ingredients. This probably wouldn't be great for younger toddlers, they may just be confused as to why you're not supposed to eat it, but older toddlers, and even kids up to about 5 will love it. Once they grasp the concept of "pretend" this is a great activity.

21. Paint. Duh, right? Throw down an old sheet in the kitchen and let them go at it. Use fingers, brushes, toy trucks and cars (tire tracks look pretty cool) and let them have fun. I like to do this in the afternoon, diaper only, and then stick her in the shower. I put down the sheet because I hate cleaning up messes, but I don't want to constantly hover over her and make her uncomfortable. It's just easiest for us both :)

22. Library. Another duh, I know. But seriously. Get yourself out of the house to a place where you don't have to spend money and your child won't know the difference. They also have story times and other scheduled activities so check out your local library's online calendar. Also check
out some books for yourself because you always say
you don't have time to read, but really, you do.

Try the 100 Book Challenge!

23. Hide toy food. It's like Easter without the candy and God knows you have enough small plastic toys in your house.

24. Cars in the hallway. Place an object (stuffed animal, ball, whatever) at the end of the hallway and see if they can get their hot wheels or trucks to zoom all the way down to that object. This is a surprisingly difficult task! (For me.)

25. Read the funnies.  See if your kid can come up with a storyline for the (appropriate) pictures. A lot of tiny short stories should hold their attention span for awhile.

26. vyzAtz55tz5t51q55. Open up Textedit or Word and let them type. Otherwise they will try to take over your blog as seen here.

27. Make a zoo. Something inspired by my little sister. Use their stuffed animals and plastic animals to help them make a zoo. Make fences with gates and use bowls of water for ponds (for plastic animals obviously.)

28. Mr. Potato Head. If you can afford it, this is a great toy that will be hours of fun. I got Gemma a giant one at Costco that had 4 potatoes and lots of accessories inside. Her toddler friends love it too!

29. Draw. Be an active participant. Draw objects and then ask what they think it is. Draw a shape and ask them to copy it. Make outlines of their hands.

29. Go to the pet store or local city animal shelter. This is on a lot of lists, and it truly is the next best thing to the zoo, especially because it's free! Consider even getting a goldfish and let your toddler help you feed it everyday :)

30. Make edible shapes.  You can melt chocolate, baking chips, or even use yogurt and help your toddler make shapes and letters with a pastry bag on some wax paper. This may be too advanced for the little ones, but Gemma loves it. Even if I'm actually the one making most of the shapes, she still feels          like she's helping. Put them in the fridge for a few hours and peel them off. Pure magic I tell you.



31. Jello. Make jello and put it in a small square pan (a thinner layer) and let them play with it! They can use cookie cutters in it, or just squish it in their hands like Gemma does. It's a nice little (time consuming) treat.

Homemade peanut butter play dough.

32. Playdough! Super cheap and hours of fun. We like to make snow men and snakes. You can also use plastic toys to make imprints in it. Gemma thinks this is an awesome trick. She never tries to eat it, maybe it's the neon colors.

33. Look at the stars and moon. This is a nightly ritual at our house. I think it helps Gemma not to be so scared of the dark.

34. Parachute. If you have a parachute, great. If not, use a sheet. Same effect. Let them sit on top while you spin them around, go underneath, or toss a ball on top to watch it bounce as you move the parachute around.

35. Turn your laundry basket into a car.  Use some round pieces of cardboard to make tires and a steering wheel. Some paper headlights..have fun decorating it and then push them all around the house in it practicing your car sounds.

36. When it's raining, go outside. In California, it's always warm enough to do this. I understand that in some places, it might just seem unbearable. But OMG it is so fun to get soaking wet from standing in the rain. Then run inside and hop into a hot shower.

37. Plant something together. My husband always enlists Gemma's help with the yard work. Kid loves being outside with her daddy. She has helped him plant many plants and not only does she get to play with dirt, she gets to be helpful!

38. Have tea. This doesn't have to only be a girl thing. Make a little pretend picnic and have lunch together! Have some stuffed animals join you.

39. Paint your fingers and toes. Again, doesn't have to be a girl thing. I have super fast drying polish that I use on Gemma. They have easily washable kid polishes as well. Let them do your toes! Almost as good as a pedicure...

40. Be a marching band. Everyone gets their own instrument and you march around the house. :)

41. "Spray Paint" Fill some old (very cleaned out) spray bottles with watered down paint. (Their may be some formula I don't know about for this..this is just how I do it.) Set up some paper on an easel outside, or even tape it to a tree and let them go to town making spray art.

42. Chalk! Who doesn't love chalk? If you have a big driveway like us..perfect!

43. Potato Stamps. Cut a potato in half. Carve out designs in the raw end of the halves (adults do this part please.) Let them dip the shapes in tempera or poster paint and then stamp, stamp, stamp away!

44. Make nature prints. Along similar lines to the potato stamping. Go outside and collect cool leaves, sticks, and rocks, and use them to make prints with paint. Let them paint a leaf with all different colors, and then help them press it onto paper. I did this with a dead fish once when I was a kid. It was disgusting and I wouldn't suggest it...but it was really cool.


45. Make puppets. Remember those paper bag puppets you made from brown lunch bags as a kid? Yes! Do it! Let your toddler make their very own monster with whatever you've got on hand. If you don't have small bags, just cut characters out of paper and put them on Popsicle sticks. Put on a show!

46. Bubbles. Need I say more?


47. Do an exercise video. You don't necessarily have to wake up at the crack of dawn to exercise, or wait until your kid is napping. Do it together! You might be surprised at how hard they try to imitate you. Also, Pbskids.org has a whole section of mini workouts for kids. They can follow along with their favorite characters. We like George.

48. Dance party. Requested by my husband. Kind of an obvious one, but fun                nonetheless! 

49. Silly dress up. You could do costumes, but we like to do pants on our heads, socks on our hands, shirts on our legs. You get the idea.


50. Lastly, READ.