More drawing...

I'm kind of addicted to this now!

I drew a ship tonight and I'm so proud. The proportions and shading could use work, but I'm happy with it!

Wanted to draw a little..

I am super inspired by traditional tattoo art. Specifically naked mermaids. So I took a crack at it and was pleasantly surprised! I used Pastels and very fine tip Sharpies :)

PTSD?

So I finally went to therapy. It's something I needed to do, and I'm glad I finally did. I have talked before about the possibility that I have misophonia, a disorder classified as a hatred of sound. While I think that this is a real disorder for some people, I believe that it is a symptom for me of something else.

My therapist specializes in dealing with victims of trauma. I called about 20 psychologists explaining my situation and she was the only one who said, "It sounds like you have trauma. I help people who have triggers." Ding ding!

Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm having this reaction to noise all over again in my new apartment. Yep. Wonderful. It gets especially worse around 3, although I can mostly distract myself for the afternoon. It's nighttime that kills me. I have a fan running right next to my bed, but every 5 seconds, I get up and turn it off because I think I hear something. Be it a kid screaming, music, a tv, people walking in from the parking lot...I hate it all. I FEAR it all. The vulnerability is maddening. What if someone decides to start playing music right now? It will invade my space! This is what goes through my head every day starting at 3.

3 is not my lucky number. 3 pm is when the kids came over to play basketball next to Gemma's room and didn't leave until 9 everyday. 3 is what time I started feeling invaded and unsafe. 3.

Right off the bat, my therapist said, "Well it sounds to me like you have PTSD." What? Me? I haven't been raped. I haven't been in a war. I wasn't abused. Me? Turns out trauma wears many hats. Living in that house for so long, everyday being so overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling that my safety was compromised may have put me over the edge. I know I've said before how traumatic that was for me. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse. What I'm saying is that I don't think that experience made me become inflicted with misophonia. I think that it caused me to have ptsd, of which mispohonia is a lovely symptom for me. The sounds are my triggers.

So there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that I have a lot of work ahead of me to kick this thing. The good news is that people have had documented success doing it, unlike with misophonia.

So here's hoping.

<3

Saturday morning and we're painting our toast.

I saw this idea on Pinterest (duh) and thought Gemma would love it because she is sooooo fond of watercoloring. And she did love it. She spent about an hour covering every inch of bread with "paint."

We didn't have any bread, and I knew last night that I was going to do this so I whipped up a few loaves with this simple recipe.

Then I took out an ice tray, filled a few wells (what do you call those things??) with milk and added some food coloring. Give the kid a clean paint brush and viola! Breakfast art.

We will be doing this again tomorrow for Brian's benefit since he had to work today. I'm sure he is beside himself with excitement!

<3

Abc's

Apple or PC: Mac. My macbook is going on year 5 and is like the day I bought it. 
Best physical feature: Eyes. 
Chores I hate: cleaning dishes. cat box. 
Dogs: someday! I want an English bulldog..or boxer. 
Essential start to my day: Coffee. With creamer. And my happy pill (truly the most essential! Haha)
Favorite color: Any shade of blue
Gold or silver: Silver
Height: 5’2″
Instruments I play: nothing. 
Job title: "homemaker"
Kids: Gemma Bleu. The most beautiful kid on the planet and somehow she is mine! 
Lifesaver color/flavor: People sill eat those? Blue?
Make of car: Honda Element. 
Nicknames: Jill, Mommy, and sometimes Chuck. 
Office character most like me: Oh Pam. 
Pet peeves: Tailgating, people who are so poor that they can't do anything but shop constantly. 
Quote from a movie: 
Random: I'm scared of men with long hair. 
Siblings: two sisters. Brooke and Kassidy! 
TV show: Sopranos, Office, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica (to name a few)
University attended: Csumb
Vacation: Cruise to Alaska
What makes me run late: makeup. always makeup. 
X-rays: last one was my finger when I ran it through a blender. 
Year I got married: 2008
Zodiac sign: Virgo. 

Feeling ok.

It's been awhile since I've felt this good. It's like I just took my first breath. My jaw has finally relaxed and the headaches seem to be relenting.

This is what I did today:

This is my beautiful child:

And this is me. Feeling kind of beautiful for once.

Be well.
Jilianne

New Year.

The new year. I've never cared about it much. I just saw January 1st as another day. Until last year.

"Here is to 2012, the year I will simplify my life, live in the moment, and do what I love to do. With confidence. <3"

HAHAHA.

After completely failing at my first ever real resolution for 2012, I'm fairly hesitant to even make one for 2013. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. I'm pretty much horrified at how badly I surrendered to my anxiety this year. I let it control everything for an entire year. I didn't simplify, I didn't live in the moment, and rarely did I do what I love to do. It was rough. I was so focused on just surviving, that I didn't make any upward progress. I don't feel like I grew as much as I hoped I would. That sucks.

BUT. I did start a little side business a few months ago that I have so far made over $1000 in. It doesn't sound like a lot to the full time paying job type folk, but hey, people wanted to buy my art and that is $1000 I didn't have before! This is the one thing I am quite proud of this year. I only hope that I can become more successful in 2013.

Also, a little side effect of my anxiety is that I spent a lot of days towards the end of living in Hayward at my in-laws house. I needed help and support and they welcomed me with open arms every night that I felt like I couldn't take it one second longer. They didn't judge, and they so easily could have after all the hard work they put in to help us with that house. They could have written me off as the crazy lunatic keeping their son hostage, but they didn't. They all gave me another chance. I wasn't easy to get along with in the beginning. (I know right, you can't imagine!) I'm not sure they will ever understand how much their love and support has brought me through this year. We have a family dinner with them every week now and it's wonderful and I always look forward to it.

To start 2013, I'm going to try to set more specific goals for myself. I think that those broad, feel good, everything is going to be roses and rainbows, kind of resolutions are nonsense. Life happens and sometimes it fucking sucks. For me, 2012 was one of those years. It wasn't a complete waste. There were some good times. But in reality I think I set myself up for failure with such an all encompassing goal with the promise of complete happiness and self contentment. Those things take work, they don't happen because you will them to with a sentence in your new blog.

Here are my practical goals for 2013.

* To start seeing a therapist about my anxiety.
* To start caring more about my health.
* To try doing one thing a month that I normally wouldn't do because I don't think I can or I convince myself that it's too much of a hassle.
* To focus more on the relationships that are meaningful to me.
* To learn to meditate and make it a routine practice.
*To let go of or resolve at least one major source of negativity in my life.

We'll see how I do. Love to you all and Happy New Year.