New Year.

The new year. I've never cared about it much. I just saw January 1st as another day. Until last year.

"Here is to 2012, the year I will simplify my life, live in the moment, and do what I love to do. With confidence. <3"

HAHAHA.

After completely failing at my first ever real resolution for 2012, I'm fairly hesitant to even make one for 2013. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. I'm pretty much horrified at how badly I surrendered to my anxiety this year. I let it control everything for an entire year. I didn't simplify, I didn't live in the moment, and rarely did I do what I love to do. It was rough. I was so focused on just surviving, that I didn't make any upward progress. I don't feel like I grew as much as I hoped I would. That sucks.

BUT. I did start a little side business a few months ago that I have so far made over $1000 in. It doesn't sound like a lot to the full time paying job type folk, but hey, people wanted to buy my art and that is $1000 I didn't have before! This is the one thing I am quite proud of this year. I only hope that I can become more successful in 2013.

Also, a little side effect of my anxiety is that I spent a lot of days towards the end of living in Hayward at my in-laws house. I needed help and support and they welcomed me with open arms every night that I felt like I couldn't take it one second longer. They didn't judge, and they so easily could have after all the hard work they put in to help us with that house. They could have written me off as the crazy lunatic keeping their son hostage, but they didn't. They all gave me another chance. I wasn't easy to get along with in the beginning. (I know right, you can't imagine!) I'm not sure they will ever understand how much their love and support has brought me through this year. We have a family dinner with them every week now and it's wonderful and I always look forward to it.

To start 2013, I'm going to try to set more specific goals for myself. I think that those broad, feel good, everything is going to be roses and rainbows, kind of resolutions are nonsense. Life happens and sometimes it fucking sucks. For me, 2012 was one of those years. It wasn't a complete waste. There were some good times. But in reality I think I set myself up for failure with such an all encompassing goal with the promise of complete happiness and self contentment. Those things take work, they don't happen because you will them to with a sentence in your new blog.

Here are my practical goals for 2013.

* To start seeing a therapist about my anxiety.
* To start caring more about my health.
* To try doing one thing a month that I normally wouldn't do because I don't think I can or I convince myself that it's too much of a hassle.
* To focus more on the relationships that are meaningful to me.
* To learn to meditate and make it a routine practice.
*To let go of or resolve at least one major source of negativity in my life.

We'll see how I do. Love to you all and Happy New Year.

Sisters.

Pretty much everyone I know has siblings. I only know a few only children. I watch my husband with his siblings and his relationships with them are so effortless and wonderful. He's always been a great big brother and I often hear stories about all of the wonderful things he did for his siblings when they were young, like putting on pretend circuses in the living room.

I feel like an only child sometimes because I'm so much older than my sisters. I have two. They are beautiful, amazing, confident, talented little individuals. One is 17 and about to finish high school, and one is 14 and just started.

The 17 year old is my mother's second child and I sadly missed out on much of her life. I feel tremendous guilt for that, and even more because now that I have a chance to really be in her life, I don't know how. I have honestly forgotten what it's like to be a teenager. I am so horrible at relating to her and finding things to talk about.

The same sort of goes for the 14 year old. I've known her since the day she was born and I still have a hard time figuring out how to relate. All I can think to say to both of them most of the time is, "I miss you" because it's true. It's so true. I wish I could see both of their beautiful faces every single day. I wish I could go to every sports event, be there to help get ready for every dance, be a shoulder to cry on when boys are inevitably assholes.

But I can't. Because I'm married with a child now. And they both live so far away. It sucks. At the very least, I wish I had given them something to look up to. I feel like there is nothing. Sure I graduated college. Awesome. So did everyone else. I also got married at 21, had a kid at 23, and that's about all I've got going on. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love being a mom/wife. But I don't think it's enough to give my teenage sisters this impression that I'm someone awesome that has achieved something. Not to mention that I'm completely mental, something that the 14 year old knows all too well. So what is left?

I hope that they both understand how much they mean to me. How I think of them every single day, How I love them so unconditionally and think that they are perfect. I hope that someday we can be more on the same page. Maybe when they are married with kids, or at least are living on their own with jobs, responsibilities. I hope we can be closer and that maybe at some point, I can be someone they look up to.

I love you both, and I miss you terribly. ;)
Sissy.

Misophonia.

I am pretty positive that I have Misophonia. It is basically a really irrational negative reaction to certain noises. I have certain trigger noises, that when I hear them, either make me extremely depressed, anxious, or angry. I think I've had this for awhile. I remember being a teenager and HATING the sounds of people eating or kissing in movies. It would make me so irritable, but I never really said much because it would pass quickly. When I started living in apartments, the problem got a little worse. If I could hear other people's music, or loud people outside at night, I would get super irritated and couldn't focus on anything else for a few hours.

"Misophonia – literally the hatred of sound -can be defined as a hypersensitivity to background sounds or visual stimuli that are generally ignored by other people. More importantly than the individuals inability to block out the offending stimuli or “trigger” is the acute negative emotional response experienced as a direct result of being in contact with a trigger.

The response has been described as a reflexive emotional flood of rage and panic with a storm of fight-or-flight reactions becoming paramount. Adrenaline flooding, face flushing, heart-pounding and/or shaking and the need to physically flee or attack are often experienced. The mindful thoughts that the emotional reflex/response is unreasonable given the facts of the stimulus is often actually harmless come only after the fight-or-flight response is in full force and the affected person may find themselves in a constant mode of “talking themselves down” into a normal state of calm." misophonia.info

Misophonia took on a whole new form when I moved to my house in Hayward. We all know what happened there. It was probably amplified by my feelings of loneliness.  As I said in my last post, I think that I was more traumatized than I even realized at the time. I would hear those sounds and my whole day would be ruined. I spent everyday being scared and anxious about having to hear those sounds again, but at the same time I would listen for them. It was really strange and kind of self-torture.

When we moved to this apartment and I found out about the year long construction project we would have to endure, I was a little worried, but thought I could deal. Oddly enough, I was totally fine about the actual construction noises. I started to get upset when the painters were all listening to radios and yelling at each other outside. It was how inconsiderate I perceived them to be that really sent me into a frenzy. So even though the construction has mostly passed, I still find myself listening for those noises just in case they are going to make me upset.

It's really the most ridiculous thing. But at least I have something to name it now. There is no real "cure." Some say that medication can help. I'm already taking that. Hypnosis has had some success..I may have to give that a try.

Anyways, my point in writing this was to say out loud that this is a problem for me. I'm not just crazy, or a total control freak about my surroundings. I actually have this weird type of anxiety. I don't know why or how it happened, but it is a thing. A thing that needs to go away :(

Sleigh Bells.

Oh, The Polar Express. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I totally bought into all things Santa Claus, and kind of still do. But I don't look forward to Christmas as much as I used to. I was thinking about that today...that usually at this time of year I would be planning parties, wrapping presents, watching Elf twice a day...Now it's more of an effort. It reminds me of the end of Polar Express when all of the adults stop hearing the sound of the bell. I want to hear the bell damnit! Give me the bell! I want to stay up happily planning out every single detail of my Christmas presents. I want to watch all of my Christmas movies, at least one a day, without being distracted. I want to look forward to seeing my baby girl light up on Christmas morning.

I don't want to become one of those adults who dreads Christmas, or who thinks it's corny and pointless. I feel like that's the direction I'm heading, but I don't know why. Maybe because so much has changed in the past year? I think I might have been more traumatized by the whole house thing than I even realized. It took a lot out of me that I have yet to replenish. It brought me to the lowest I've ever been. I feel like I'm still trying to fight back.

With my anxiety, I think that I always find something to be upset about. Something to narrow in on and freak out about. When we moved to this new apartment, it started to be about our future. So instead of being upset and dwelling on the past, I am now obsessed with and freaking out about the future. Probably because I just realized that I don't want to be stuck in this dark little apartment forever! The rent is so high here right now that I'm just dreading having to find a new place in June.

Anyways...I think that for me to enjoy Christmas, I need to start living in the moment again. Otherwise, I'm going to miss it all.

Homemade Advent Calendar :)

I am so proud of this project! When I was younger, my stepmom did really cute advent calendars for my sister and I, so I was inspired to make one for Gemma this year. Each day has either a piece of candy, or a Christmas related activity like "Visit Santa." I'm so excited for Gemma to count down the days with this! I think she's gonna love it!

Am I there yet?

I'm learning a very hard lesson about growing up right now. It's a lesson that was a long time coming and frankly, long overdue. I'm learning what it means to be an adult.

Specifically, I'm learning that I need to live my life the way I think is best and not constantly be in anxious ruins about what others will think of my decisions. It's no way to live, let me tell you.

I have a complex where I always worry that people are going to walk out on me. Like they will stop thinking that I am worth the trouble. I dwell so much on these feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. I think, well maybe if I just do this one thing, this person will appreciate it or so and so will think better of me.

Instead of just being myself, I try so hard to be someone each person will like that I become completely overbaring and flat out annoying to some people. I'm feeling this way right now with my dad. I depend on him way too much for everything and I know it wears on him. To his credit, he hasn't turned away from me yet, and when I'm being rational, I know he never will. But when I get sad and insecure, that's the first awful scene I play in my head because it's the worst thing I could ever let myself imagine.

I'm starting to learn that this need for approval from others is childish. I'm not a little kid anymore and I don't need a gold star for everything I do. But I also shouldn't constantly second guess myself. Of course it is a decent thing to do to consider other's feelings in the day to day, but in the end, you have to do what's right for you. I can't always be worried about someone else being angry, irritated, thinking badly of me, etc. Those are things that I simply can't control.

The sad thing is, for me it isn't even about making everyone happy, it's about making sure I always look like the righteous one in every situation. Done with that nonsense. If you don't like my choices and they don't concern you, keep it to yourself or be ready for me to not give a fuck what you think. If people are really going to judge me so harshly and concern themselves so much with what I do in my own life, I'll figure out soon enough who to keep around and who to not. I just hope and pray to whatever entity that be that none of the people I really care about will end up on the "not" list.

Btw, this is in no way directed at a specific person.

Check me out!

So I did it! I'm selling on Scoutmob and you can find me here.

Go check it out!

Oh Nana, I wish you could have seen this. You would have been so proud.

<3