self portrait

<3

More drawing...

I'm kind of addicted to this now!

I drew a ship tonight and I'm so proud. The proportions and shading could use work, but I'm happy with it!

Wanted to draw a little..

I am super inspired by traditional tattoo art. Specifically naked mermaids. So I took a crack at it and was pleasantly surprised! I used Pastels and very fine tip Sharpies :)

PTSD?

So I finally went to therapy. It's something I needed to do, and I'm glad I finally did. I have talked before about the possibility that I have misophonia, a disorder classified as a hatred of sound. While I think that this is a real disorder for some people, I believe that it is a symptom for me of something else.

My therapist specializes in dealing with victims of trauma. I called about 20 psychologists explaining my situation and she was the only one who said, "It sounds like you have trauma. I help people who have triggers." Ding ding!

Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm having this reaction to noise all over again in my new apartment. Yep. Wonderful. It gets especially worse around 3, although I can mostly distract myself for the afternoon. It's nighttime that kills me. I have a fan running right next to my bed, but every 5 seconds, I get up and turn it off because I think I hear something. Be it a kid screaming, music, a tv, people walking in from the parking lot...I hate it all. I FEAR it all. The vulnerability is maddening. What if someone decides to start playing music right now? It will invade my space! This is what goes through my head every day starting at 3.

3 is not my lucky number. 3 pm is when the kids came over to play basketball next to Gemma's room and didn't leave until 9 everyday. 3 is what time I started feeling invaded and unsafe. 3.

Right off the bat, my therapist said, "Well it sounds to me like you have PTSD." What? Me? I haven't been raped. I haven't been in a war. I wasn't abused. Me? Turns out trauma wears many hats. Living in that house for so long, everyday being so overwhelmed with anxiety and feeling that my safety was compromised may have put me over the edge. I know I've said before how traumatic that was for me. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse. What I'm saying is that I don't think that experience made me become inflicted with misophonia. I think that it caused me to have ptsd, of which mispohonia is a lovely symptom for me. The sounds are my triggers.

So there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that I have a lot of work ahead of me to kick this thing. The good news is that people have had documented success doing it, unlike with misophonia.

So here's hoping.

<3

Saturday morning and we're painting our toast.

I saw this idea on Pinterest (duh) and thought Gemma would love it because she is sooooo fond of watercoloring. And she did love it. She spent about an hour covering every inch of bread with "paint."

We didn't have any bread, and I knew last night that I was going to do this so I whipped up a few loaves with this simple recipe.

Then I took out an ice tray, filled a few wells (what do you call those things??) with milk and added some food coloring. Give the kid a clean paint brush and viola! Breakfast art.

We will be doing this again tomorrow for Brian's benefit since he had to work today. I'm sure he is beside himself with excitement!

<3

Abc's

Apple or PC: Mac. My macbook is going on year 5 and is like the day I bought it. 
Best physical feature: Eyes. 
Chores I hate: cleaning dishes. cat box. 
Dogs: someday! I want an English bulldog..or boxer. 
Essential start to my day: Coffee. With creamer. And my happy pill (truly the most essential! Haha)
Favorite color: Any shade of blue
Gold or silver: Silver
Height: 5’2″
Instruments I play: nothing. 
Job title: "homemaker"
Kids: Gemma Bleu. The most beautiful kid on the planet and somehow she is mine! 
Lifesaver color/flavor: People sill eat those? Blue?
Make of car: Honda Element. 
Nicknames: Jill, Mommy, and sometimes Chuck. 
Office character most like me: Oh Pam. 
Pet peeves: Tailgating, people who are so poor that they can't do anything but shop constantly. 
Quote from a movie: 
Random: I'm scared of men with long hair. 
Siblings: two sisters. Brooke and Kassidy! 
TV show: Sopranos, Office, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica (to name a few)
University attended: Csumb
Vacation: Cruise to Alaska
What makes me run late: makeup. always makeup. 
X-rays: last one was my finger when I ran it through a blender. 
Year I got married: 2008
Zodiac sign: Virgo. 

Feeling ok.

It's been awhile since I've felt this good. It's like I just took my first breath. My jaw has finally relaxed and the headaches seem to be relenting.

This is what I did today:

This is my beautiful child:

And this is me. Feeling kind of beautiful for once.

Be well.
Jilianne