Almost there.

What more can you ask for in this life than to have others love you unconditionally? I am lucky enough to have more than one such person. I'm not sure how it happened or that I really deserve it, but I am so grateful. One of the things that my Dad always tells me is that I need to look at what I have. Sure, life can be shitty and sometimes you think you might just give up, but my god woman, look at what you HAVE! More specifically look at WHO you have. I could walk through fire with these people by my side, or at least I could call them and talk to them about it afterwards. ;) Maybe someday this blog will be about crafting and cooking again...

Still in that weird place.

The good news is that my unbearable anxiety has subsided for the most part. The bad news is that I'm starting to feel kind of homeless. I've been here with my grandparents for almost 4 weeks, way longer than I had originally planned on staying. It's been really great, despite the weight gain (must start working on that tomorrow!) I love my grandparents. I'm like their 6th child, so when I stay with them I kind of get in this "take care of me" mindset. I think 3 weeks is long enough for that. My grandma has probably had enough, too. Haha.   I know she is having a blast with Gemma though. Everyone seems to enjoy Gemma's company, including my Uncle Brendan who she commands to make her bacon every morning for breakfast. Although, my uncle might tell you that he doesn't enjoy tripping over Thomas the train 20 times a day.

Back to being homeless. I've never identified our house as my 'home' but that is where Brian and my cats are :) The problem, of course, is that I effing hate it there, so it isn't really a home. I probably feel more at home staying with my grandparents more than I would anywhere else. I have my own room which helps. But the fact is that I'm still living out of suitcases..which gets old REALLY fast. Clothes everywhere. Also, I don't have friends here, except for my new friend who lives across the street. And believe me, I am thankful to have another new mom to hang out with a few times a week, but she starts work again next week. I miss my friends back home. I miss my mom friends, and I'm sure that Gemma misses her little 2 year old partners in crime. Most of all, I miss Brian. I miss having someone to cuddle with when I've had a long day. I miss having someone else help with meals and bedtimes for Gemma. And Gemma isn't getting enough time with her Dad which is rough for all of us.

Despite all of these things, I know I made the right decision coming here. No matter how exhausted I am from getting 5 hours of sleep every night and taking care of Gemma by myself 24/7, nothing is as bad as that terrible anxiety. Now that I at least know where I will be for the next three weeks, it's time to get out of "take care of me" mode and to get into "start taking care of myself mode." That's why I came here. To get better. So I need to start doing it.

Tomorrow is a new day. We'll see how it goes.

jill

I finally painted something!

And I think it's pretty dammn good.

Keep telling yourself that.

Thought for the night:

It's sad to watch people descend into total misery and chaos while they keep trying to convince themselves and everyone around them that they are happy that way.

I'm not happy right now, and I'm owning it. I'm owning my crazy, as my Aunt Banana would say. I'm changing something about my life to make things better for my family and me before I cross that line into completely out of control and just plain sad.

Faking that you are strong doesn't in fact make you strong. It makes you fake.

I'd rather be on the edge of insanity and know where I stand. I'd rather be honest.

Taking the time to try and fix yourself is what really makes you brave.

Night.
jillianne.

Rainy day.

Self portrait on a rainy day. <3

Reno.

I haven't been on here for over a week! Shame on me :/

I've been in Reno staying at my grandparents' house since last Monday. When most people think of Reno, they think of white trash and casinos, but my grandparents actually live in a beautiful area called South Meadows (I think). They live right at the foot of the mountains..beautiful views from their backyard and windows. I am loving it. The mountains always have such a calming effect on me. I love all the trees and how untouched the snow looks. It's nice to get away from the "city."

We spent Easter with two of my uncles. By we, I just mean Gemma and me. Brian has stayed behind to work and fix up the house. Anyways, Easter was a blast. It's been way too long since I spent time with my Uncle Jon and his family. He's got three beautiful kids and they were so awesome with Gemma. They also live in North Lake Tahoe which is amazing and beautiful.

Other than the Easter excitement, we've just been here relaxing and hanging out. Basically doing what we would be doing at home but without the added stress and aggravation. I feel my Nana here. Even though it wasn't really her home, she did pass here and I can feel her energy. I figure someone has to be watching over Gemma the 10,000 times a day she sneaks up and down the staircase by herself.

So all in all, coming here was a good idea. The house was listed today and already has someone looking at it tonight and tomorrow night. So I'm letting myself feel optimistic. :)

Good night.