If I could right the a-hole a letter...

it would go something like this.

Mr. Larry Lepore, 

I can tell by your condescending tone over the phone that you think you are more important than everyone, and I just wanted to assure you that you are not. I think that your behavior during this entire ordeal has been pathetic. In the past it has taken weeks for you to return my emails, no one in your department knows what they are talking about, and I have a ton of emails with very conflicting information from numerous people on your staff. I plan on taking you and your department to court for not properly identifying the property as a public park when we bought our home and for, by your own admission and the admission of numerous other staff members, being unable to enforce your own park rules. I think it is really sad that none of you have any compassion for a small family trying to make their home in your city. Hayward needs more citizens who actually care about their properties and don't want kids dealing drugs next door, vandalizing buildings, or running gates down with their cars. All I asked yesterday was that you compromise with me on the hours, and you can't even do that because the truth is that you don't give a crap about the little people like me. And it's too bad, because now we are leaving Hayward. It's all very clear to me that the downfall of Hayward is self-important pricks like you who don't actually care about the regular citizens here, but are looking forward to living off of their hard earned tax money for the rest of your life. I hope that the fact that you and your department's severe lack of communication, compassion, and consideration that has ruined my family's American dream will weigh heavily on your conscience. Thank you for putting my husband, my two year old daughter, and me through hell. I won't forget it. 

No response necessary, 

Jillianne Libbe


But Brian won't let me :( So I posted it here instead. Haha. Don't get on my bad side! 

Light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm happy to report that today I can see a tinnnnyyyy (that's was for Mary) little light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. That's about as optimistic as I dare to be, getting my hopes up is no fun for anyone. But considering where I was last night, this morning I'm feeling about 1 million times better. Although I did start crying while painting the patio room (more on that in a minute) and had to call my dad. He's such a good guy. He knows exactly how to read me and always knows the best thing to say. For example, this morning I was angry and so he suggested that I leave my neighbors a nice thank you note when I leave. Something like "Dear Assholes, thank you for being so obnoxious that I have had to sell my house. I have now made 30k off of it and I am going to break your basketball hoop before I leave. Who are the losers now?" Haha. Perfect. Being my dad is a tough job, I'm sure. He's been picking up the pieces for me for years now and despite everything I've put him through, he has never once not loved me through it. I've thrown everything I have at him, and he still loves me. That's a good dad.

I wanted to expand a little on where my anxiety comes from in this situation. I'm not doing this because I think that everyone needs to know my every waking thought, I'm writing this for me. When I write things down, I can see what I'm really thinking and it helps me to organize my thoughts. Why am I sharing it publicly? I think it helps my self confidence to feel like I have something important to share. I've spent a lot of time in recent years worrying about what others think of me and so I've put very little of myself "out there." This blog helps me to slowly chip away at the huge wall I have built up between myself and the outside world. It's a small first step, but an important one.

A lot of the time I feel like a complete crazy person for being bothered by this whole basketball situation to the point where I feel like I'm mentally breaking down. What I've come to realize is that it isn't about the basketball. I played basketball for years and the sound of an actual basketball is not THAT big of a deal. Sure it can be annoying after 4 hours, but that isn't what this is about. It's really become about the complete lack of consideration that any of these people have. From my neighbors, to the employees I've dealt with from the city, none of them have a lick of common decency.

My neighbors are aware of the fact that we just bought this home. They know that we have put hundreds of hours of work into it. They know that we have a two year old. And yet, just last night, they let their kids play basketball next to our bedrooms until 8 pm at night. Well past sunset which they KNOW is when the park closes. Why? I would never let my kid play basketball next to what I know to be a toddlers bedroom until 8 at night, let alone at 6pm which is most people's dinner time! And you know what the worst part is?? One of the families has a 3 year old! They should know more than anyone how precious a toddler's sleep is! It's just infuriating. The fact that these kids talk back to me like I'm an idiot when I go over and ask them to please go home. It's the lack of respect that really gets me going. Every minute past 6 pm that I have to put up with that crap, I just sink deeper and deeper. What did I do to deserve such crap? If anything, by fixing up this dump, I made all of their houses look better. But then again, the two families I have problems with own the dumpiest houses on our street so they probably don't care. Tells you a lot about them actually.

And this is what I cried about in my patio room this morning. The fact that we have put every ounce of everything we have into this house for the past year (including just trying to GET the house) and this is what it comes down to. It makes me so angry and so heartbroken at the same time.  I am surrounded by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Seems to be a common attitude in this part of town, and I am so done with it.

Finding a way out.

Just a warning, this is a total downer. Can't put on the "happy housewife" face today.

These days, most of my time is spent trying to find a way to avoid my anxiety. This blog was made to give me a creative outlet to deal with said anxiety. I hoped for it to put more meaning back into my life. Lately, nothing seems to help. Anxiety has completely destroyed me over the past three or four months. It's taken everything left that I loved about myself and turned it to shit. Excuse my language. I tried really hard to put on a happy face for a long time. But the truth is, I can't even enjoy being creative anymore.

When you say the word "anxiety", it sounds small. Like it's not that big of a deal, like everyone has it from time to time..how bad can it be? But for me, it feels like I am always on the edge of a complete mental breakdown, like I can't breathe, and it will never end. I'm constantly paralyzed in my head. It's a miracle if I can will myself to do the dishes, let alone sit on the ground and read books to my child. Don't even get me started on how guilty I feel about my mothering as of late.

I've had problems with anxiety for a couple of years, and I've always had episodes of depression, but I can honestly say it's never been this bad. I think there are a lot of factors that play into my anxiety, but the biggest one right now that causes me the most grief is that I do not feel safe and at peace in my own home. When you are a homebody like myself, that is a really unbearable feeling.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have no money for the amount of therapy I need, I can't take my Xanax during the day because it knocks me out, not to mention I would like to avoid becoming an addict. I've tried meditating, focusing on breathing, leaving the house...The only solution I can come up with is to move out while we wait to sell the house. I am leaving for Reno on Monday, and will probably be back before Easter, and after that I don't know. I really don't know.

Any suggestions?

So, so sick.

Gemma and my littlest sister, Brooke

No literally. I feel like I've been dying a slow and torturous death over the past two days. Gemma and I got a really terrible cold about 3 weeks ago. We missed two weeks worth of music classes and were totally miserable. We went to visit my parents during that time (note the aquarium pictures from our visit!), because I thought that we were getting better...not the case. Gemma seemed to get better, but I got worse and worse. I have never had congestion like that in my life. I couldn't breathe through my nose, smell, taste, and my head felt like I was going to explode. I could hardly hear either!

My dad, Gemma, and Brooke.

Anyways, I started to get better right before I went to Vegas (which was sooo fun!) but I still had a little cough and some congestion lingering around. I was ok until yesterday. Apparently I've had a sinus infection hanging out in my forehead and yesterday it decided to unleash it's power on me. Oh. My. God. I've been dizzy, nauseated, had a fever, have had epic headaches, have had a constantly runny nose, inflamed nasal passages, I've called Brian crying because I couldn't see straight.

Love this. Looks like she's in the tank!

So I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my doctor yesterday at 4, which I'm surprised I even made it to because not only did I have to drive in the rain, but I've basically been having hallucinations for the past two days. Not like Billy Madison where I think I'm being followed by a giant penguin, but like I'm dreaming while I'm awake..completely zoned out. The doctor said I have a pretty bad sinus infection including fluid in my ears so she prescribed me some Flonase and Augmentin (antibiotic).

I go to Rite Aid to pick up my prescription, still feeling like a total loopty loo. I shop a little and then go to inquire about my meds. I'm told that the prescription hasn't come in yet. It's 4:30. So I wait while and go back 20 minutes later to ask again. I'm told it still hasn't come in. On of the Pharms offers to call, she is on the phone for two seconds and says, "Oh their phone system is just so confusing! Sorry I don't have time to wait on hold." This is such BS and I know it because I never have to wait more than a minute to get someone on the line at my Dr's office. I wait another 20 minutes, am told again it still hasn't come in, so I decide to call my Dr's office. They tell me they sent it electronically at 4:30 but they will resend it. I tell one of the Pharms, she says she will look for it. It's now 5:45 and the same Pharm says, "Oh it came in as a fax! You told me it was electronic!" What the hell? I've been there for an hour and 15 minutes and they are just now checking their faxes to double check that my prescription isn't there?? So I have to now wait another 25 minutes for them to fill my prescription. The other Pharms I dealt with have already gone home. When I finally go to pay for my prescription, I ask to see the time stamp on the fax from the Dr's office. 4:30. So A) they lied and said they didn't get the first one and B) I had to wait an hour and 40 minutes sick, with my two year old, for my freaking prescription. You bet they got an earful from me. Never going there again.

So yeah, it's been a fun few days. I am hoping to make some Easter treats for the blog later this week with Gemma provided that I can actually stand for more than 5 minutes at a time :/ I'm a huge baby, I know.

Be HEALTHY.
jill

Just silly.

I had a really weird day today. The first half of the day was awesome because Gem and I got to participate in the most amazing Easter play date ever. Complete with baskets, candy, stickers, a stuffed bunny and an egg hunt. But when I got home I remembered all of the stupid crap going on in my life and I came back down again. Kind of a bummer. Anyways, I can't sleep so I've been browsing piccsy.com and I came across this. It just made me laugh despite all the blah going on around me, so I thought I would share.

not sure who to give credit to!

It especially made me laugh because I kept saying that phrase "Haters gonna hate" to my little sister Brooke a few weekends ago and she thought I was a big weirdo. She's 13, so everyone is a weirdo ;)

Anyways, hoping for a better tomorrow.  It definitely helps to have such a supportive husband and the most adorable baby girl in my life. They make me feel worthwhile on days like this.

<3 jill

Tortilla Pizzas!

My stepmom made these a lot when I was growing up. They are super easy, fast, delicious, and as I discovered today...really fun for kids to help make! My twist is adding the veggies. I sneak them in wherever I can.

What you need:

-Tomato paste
-Pureed vegetables aka baby food. We used mixed veggies.
-grated cheese of your choice
-toppings of your choice.

Instructions:

1. Lay out some tortillas on a baking sheet. Turn on the broiler.

2. Spread on tomato paste, followed by veggie puree, followed by cheese.

3. Put in the oven for just a few minutes keeping a close eye on them! Broiling is the fastest way, but it doesn't cook them as much on the bottom. I find though, that once I let them cool for 5-10 minutes they firm up a bit. Cut up or serve whole!

my beautiful "sun" :)

Chocolate Mint Mud Pie :)

Yay for being a quarter Irish! A little Irish goes a long way though. Have you met my temper? :) I get the Irish blood and influence from my Nana who was full blooded and my Grandpa Steve who is also 100%. Truth be told, I don't know if their feisty nature comes from their Irish roots or the fact that they are from around New York City. Anyways, my Nana was incredibly proud of her Irish heritage. (I can't even tell you how many hours of river dancing I watched with that wonderful woman.) ANYWAYS, this post isn't all about my Irish roots, it's about the best dessert in the world. The mud pie. No culinary genius involved here. Just pure and simple goodness. My grandma has been making these for years, most recently at her house I had a coffee mud pie with a layer of dark chocolate poured on top. Heaven I tell you! Heaven! This is my favorite version that my dad makes. So simple, and so amazing. Enjoy!

What you need:

-1 quart Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream

-1 jar of fudge. Use the kind at the end of the ice cream isle. It's thick and doesn't come in a squeeze bottle. We don't want chocolate syrup!


-2 packages of mint flavored chocolate cookies.

**Optional**

-Decorative topping of your choice. I used white chocolate and green gel food coloring. Other options are melted green baking chips, green frosting, sprinkles, whip cream..make it your own!

-1 pre made Oreo pie crust (optional if you don't want to make your own crust)

Directions:


**Take out your ice cream now so it isn't too hard to work with**

1. Crush up about 1 1/2 cups worth of the grasshopper cookies. This can be done quickly in a food processor. Add several small dollops (smaller dollops are easier to mix in) of the fudge to your crumbs and mix up. I think a fork works best, this stuff is sticky! Moisten the crumbs with the fudge just enough to make them all stick together.

2. Using your hands and a big spoon, push the mixture into a regular sized pie pan to form a crust.

3. Using a baking spatula, put large dollops of ice cream on top of your crust. I used almost the entire carton. Smooth it out with your spatula. I used the slow churned ice cream because the texture it easier for me to work with, but regular ice cream will give you a more solid pie. Your choice.

**Put in the freezer while you do the following step**

4. Take your remaining cookies and break them into thirds or fourths, putting them in a bowl. I used a whole carton of cookies. Add more fudge! Give them a good coat of it!

5. Take your pie out of the freezer and layer the cookies on top. I know this seems kind of redundant because the crust is basically the same, but I guarantee you that two layers of cookies is better than one :)

not super attractive, I know :)

**Put it back in the freezer**

6. Put about a third of your chocolate chips in a small bowl. Microwave in 30 second intervals until melted, stirring each time. It only took me two times. Add green food coloring. I recommend using gel because when you add the more watery food coloring to white chocolate, it can seize and be hard to use.

7.  Now drizzle your green chocolate, or whatever you have decided to use, on top! I used a pastry bag so Gemma could help me. You can also use a zip lock bag and just cut off the corner.

Gemma and I have mad decorating skills :)

Voila! A very simple, crowd pleasing, delicious mud pie. I know it's not the most beautiful of desserts, but it is damn delicious. And that's what really matters, right?

Grow up.

I'd like to think that I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I don't get my kicks from being a mean girl. Don't get me wrong, I love the movie Mean Girls. ;) But it is about high school girls. Every once in a while I catch myself trash talking someone I don't like with someone else. I think everyone has those moments where they just need to vent. But when that is the only connection you have with someone..that you like to talk badly about people together or whine about anything you can think of...is that really a healthy relationship? Probably not.

I used to be a total mean girl. I was so insecure and disgusted with the way I was living my life that my only solace was to be mean to others and talk as much crap as I could. I surrounded myself with others who were feeling negative and wanted to join in the "fun." It took me a long time to realize that there is a huge difference between having your opinion and venting every once in awhile, and having your entire life revolve around purposely being a nasty bitch. I like to think that realizing that difference means I'm growing up. I had to make some changes in my life to get away from the negativity. I had to let some relationships go, not necessarily because of who those people were, but who I was around them. Some of my friends grew up with me, some didn't. So is life.

Unfortunately, not everyone gets past that stage. Some people live their entire lives being so negative that nobody is ever good enough for them. They can never see past the end of their own upturned nose to see how their actions and negativity effect others, or how their own poisonous attitudes are hurting them. They don't see the good in people, or the relationships that they are missing out on. Instead they laugh at those brave enough to bare their emotions--they talk badly about them, judge them. But really, they know that they are jealous that they don't have the guts to do the same.  Not everyone feels the need to wear their heart on their sleeve the way I do, and that's ok. This would be one crazy world if everyone were as emotional as I am. But to judge people for trying to care? For having human emotions? Really? It just seems so sad and cowardly.

The way I see it, it's just so exhausting to be miserable all the time. It takes a lot more effort to make someone else feel bad than to just be a decent person. It takes a lot more effort to say something in a nasty way. I know that misery loves company, because miserable people have to feed off of others to keep themselves going. But this girl aint gonna be that company noooo more. I'm no longer responding or reacting to that kind of behavior. I'm better than that. No more games. If you don't like me, it would be nice if you could just leave me alone rather than take the time to treat me like crap and make me feel like I don't belong. Don't make the effort to be nasty and hang around. There are some people who have had a hold on me for a long time, who I tried really hard to care about but they couldn't see past their own drama to give me a chance. I promised myself that this would be the year I would simplify. And that means shaking off all the excess baggage because I AM a good person and I deserve to shine a little.

When you actually start gaining some confidence in yourself as a person, you realize that the healthy relationships in your life flourish, and the negative relationships die off because they have nothing to feed off of anymore. Obviously not everyone falls into these two categories; some people are just busy! YOU are responsible for your own happiness first and foremost and you have to be willing to let go of the people who constantly keep you down. You can love them, and miss them, and hope they come around..but you have to look out for yourself and the people who depend on you.

Be kind. Be confident. Don't let others get you down!

<3 jill

My Favorite No Carb Snacks and Recipes.

This is a post I started awhile ago and just now got around to finishing. It is a quick QUICK compilation of the foods I rely on when I'm trying to cut carbs. Which is pretty much all the time. None of these recipes are going to win an award. They are simple, healthy meals that don't take a lot of time or thought (both of which I am dangerously low on at the moment.) Sorry I don't have pictures. I guess I need to start being one of those people who takes pictures of everything I eat.

Creamy Leeks and Tilapia

          
Tastes better than it sounds. Kind of ends up tasting like a chowder.

-2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 1/2- 2 cups sliced leeks
- 1/3 cup non fat or light sour cream
-2-4 leeks (depending on size and how hungry you are!)
-Salt and pepper to taste.

1) Slice up one or two leaks depending on what you feel like. I'd say about 1 1/2-2 cups is good. Throw them in a large saute pan with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper to taste. Add a few tablespoons of water, cover and cook on medium for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2) Add 1/4 cup water and a 1/3 cup of non fat or light sour cream. Mix together and put however many fillets of frozen tilapia on top. I do 2-3 depending on how hungry I am.

3) Season tilapia with a little salt and pepper, cover and let cook for 4 minutes. Flip and repeat. Tilapia should be done after 8 minutes, but always check that the fish is flaky and cooked through.


Yogurt and berry smoothie with cocoa

1) Mix 1 cup nonfat or light vanilla yogurt with 1 cup frozen berries. Add 1 Yakult OR 1/4 cup Kefir OR 1/4 cup of nonfat milk. Mix in desired amount of cocoa powder and blend. Mmmm.

Celery Ranch Chicken Lettuce Wraps


1) Mix chopped chicken breast, chopped celery (for crunch!) and any other veggies (mushrooms, tomatoes, avocado, carrots, radishes, green onions, etc...)

2) Flavor some non fat sour cream with a little ranch dip mix, or seasonings of your choice and add to chicken and veggies.

3) Spoon mixture into big leaves of lettuce to wrap up and eat!

Scrambled eggs with a bit of goat cheese, cherry tomatoes, and a little arugula.


Pretty self explanatory. This is my breakfast everyday. If I'm trying to be healthier, I do egg whites.


Egg Drop Soup with Brussels Sprouts


See here. 

Easy Crock Pot Chicken and Vegetable Soup


Such an easy meal! You just need:

- 4 cups of chicken broth
 -Chopped veggies. Choose from: cabbage, diced canned tomatoes, carrots, celery, onion, green onion, or anything else you love that sounds good :)
-Cut up chicken breast
-Season with garlic, salt, and pepper to taste.

Put into a crock pot and cook on low for 7 hours, or high for 3-4hours.

I make this is huge batches and portion it out for my lunches for the week. Saves me time and calories.


Oven Baked BBQ Chicken with Sauteed Brussels Sprouts for Two


-6-8 Frozen chicken tenders
-BBQ sauce
-4 cups of Brussels sprouts whole.
-2 Tablespoons of olive oil
- 3-4 cloves minced garlic
-Salt and pepper to taste


1) Place chicken in sprayed glass baking dish. I do frozen chicken tenders, which I cook at 365 for 25-30 minutes. Season your chicken with salt and pepper before putting into the oven. Halfway through, take the chicken out and pour your favorite BBQ sauce on.

2) Cut the ends off of your Brussels sprouts (about 4 cups whole for two people) and remove the leaves that easily come off. Cut the remainder of the sprouts in half. (Use leaves AND halves!)

3) Warm 2 Tablespoons of olive oil in a pan over medium heat. Add about 3 cloves minced garlic. Cook for a minute. Add Brussels sprouts and 1/4 cup of water. Season with salt and pepper. Stir frequently. Cook until Brussels sprouts are just tender, about 5 minutes.




Grapefruit with truvia sprinkled on top.


I often eat this as a midmorning snack. You'd be surprised at how good Truvia is as an alternative to sugar.


Cauliflower pizza crust!!


Great recipe here. I would sub reduced fat cheese, or use less cheese and an extra egg white. Play with it! It's delicious!


Lettuce Wrapped Ground Turkey Tacos.

Costco has the best deal around on lean ground turkey meat. And we love it! This is a really simple concept. Use lean ground turkey instead of beef, and lettuce instead of tortillas. It will save you a ton of calories and fat! Just don't go overboard on the cheese, and use low fat sour cream. Tip: mix your sour cream with Tapatio. Heaven.

Cabinet change up.

I'm totally going insane! I have starved creative Jill, and I am paying for it dearly. Creating is my outlet. In my profile I say that if I'm not creating, I'm not living, and that is the honest truth. Because I do suffer from anxiety like so many others that I know, it's important to have an outlet-- that release. I haven't even been pinning for god's sake! It's too painful to look at all of those awesome DIY's knowing that I don't have time to do any of them, let alone create my own. Alas, my days are filled with monotonous tasks like painting trim. Actually, this past week, Gemma and I were deathly ill so I did absolutely nothing but watch the same three episodes of Dora over and over again (blahhhhhhhh.) Anyways, my point of all of this rambling is that I'm going to be posting some small stuff that I've done in the past just to keep my blog going. Nothing too crazy, but little details that can spruce up your space..maybe for Spring? Or maybe you just need a change like I do.

This is a really simple way to add some detail or a splash of color to any room. This piece of furniture is Ikea and the entire back panel comes off in one piece, so it was a really easy DIY. I picked out a pretty wrapping paper from Target, covered it up, and nailed it back on!

Before:

Not exactly the same, but the from the same line at Ikea.


After:

What do you think?

<3 jill

Sharkies.

Sometimes I like to think I'm a shark. :) Gemma and I are just getting ready for our upcoming trip to the aquarium. Very excited! Hope everyone is having a good week. I ran out of steam with the blog this week because of other things I've been dealing with. I'm sure that my three loyal readers, one of whom is probably my grandmother, are very disappointed. ;) Most of my time is spent painting the house, which is no fun, and reading because I've got a goal to reach! Currently finishing up "The End of Normal" by Stephanie Madoff Mack. Very sad, but a great read. I'll be back with more crafts and ideas soon though. Until then.

Jill